Reader’s Question

I have been married almost 22 years and have 3 children. I really think I need to leave my husband, but I don’t know how. He’s a functional alcoholic. He goes to work to work everyday but is intoxicated by the time he arrives home. He is not physically abusive. But he does thing like standing near me and saying things like “I can’t f…ing stand her” and calling me names like “a sorry mother f…er.”

I don’t sleep well because I don’t feel safe near this man. If he thinks I’m sleeping, he stands near me and says the same horrible things. He’s always standing in another room glaring and saying hateful things. He has gotten into three physical altercations with our 16-year-old son and has had numerous verbal altercations with our 20-year-old daughter. He says things like he wants them to get out of the house.

The people he works with think my husband is a great guy and that my children and I are the ones with the problems. I lost my job and am now looking for another one. He controls the car and blames me for our financial problems. I try to make sure that I’m not alone in the house with him. As long as I’m near one of the older kids he just lurks around and make gestures and mouths and whispers things. But I don’t feel safe, and I also have a 4-year-old to be concerned about.

What do I do? How do I get away from him? He is destroying us. Thanks in advance for any suggestions you can give.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Abuse is abuse, whether it’s physical, emotional, or verbal. And I’m not sure of what relevance it is that you mention that your husband has not been physically abusive with you when you already acknowledge his physical altercations with your son.

Just because someone is capable of making a good impression on others doesn’t mean that they’re reliable, responsible, or trustworthy. You need a safety plan as well as a plan for your financial security. You have to set and enforce limits, especially when your children are around abusive behavior.

One of the most dangerous times for women in abusive relationships is when they finally decide to declare independence. Further, any risks you might face are very much complicated by the fact of your husband’s alcohol use. I think it would be best to seek some counseling at one of the organizations in your area that serve the needs of women in abusive situations. They can help you devise a plan for getting and staying on your feet and for keeping safe.