Reader’s Question

I have a bad habit of reading too much into things. For example, if someone never texts me back or doesn’t say ‘hi’ in the hall, I assume I’ve done something to make them mad or that they just don’t like me. Even when someone I know is a friend does something like this, I find myself doubting the friendship. I figure I have just been oblivious and that they’ve thought I was annoying and never liked me all along. I assume I’ve just missed all the signals and they’ve been too nice to tell me we’re not friends and they don’t like me. I will pore over every action of friend, analyzing all that they do and second guessing our friendship. As a result, I am generally never sure if someone is truly a friend.

I am a fairly perceptive person and because I’m aware of my habit, if I observe something in a situation, I have a hard time telling if it’s an issue that needs to be taken seriously or if I’m just making something out of nothing. I’m concerned that this may hamper my ability to handle real issues that come up, because I’m afraid I’ll just tell myself that I’m just reading too much into it and that it’s nothing, even when it actually is something. Am I even reading too much into my habit of reading too much into things? Is my over-analyzing just a manifestation of my insecurities? Please share with me some insight and advice.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Self-doubt, self-criticism, and most especially, second-guessing oneself are not only habits born out of some insecurity, but they also tend to fuel insecurity and hamper the development of self-confidence.

Second-guessers tend to hear a critical voice in their heads that tells them they don’t measure up in some way. The key to breaking the habit of self-doubt is to ask yourself with some genuine and deep reflection just exactly where that voice comes from. Many times, it turns out that such voices mirror those of the persons who raised us and taught us and who tended to be domineering, critical, judgmental, and sometimes, sarcastic. Breaking the cycle involves replacing that voice with your own, more confident, more affirming voice.

Eleanor Roosevelt is reported to have said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Time to start saying “no” to those self-doubting thoughts and “yes” to the notion that you’re actually “okay.”