The Green-Eyed Monster Getting in the Way of Our Relationship
Reader’s Question
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and have been experiencing one particular issue over and over again. The issue is his past. He still talks to his ex, and I don’t like it at all. They were together for 7 years, but she now lives very far from us. A year ago she sent him a couple of inappropriate texts, and he told her off about them. She still calls, but it’s always when I’m gone at work for the weekend; she doesn’t work. I have emailed her to tell her how I feel. But recently another girl (from his past) appeared in an email, and he and I both saw through everything she said.
These days, I’m constantly checking his email and phone even though he did not email the last girl in response. He is very open and wants me to know his past. I’m beginning to think knowing less would be better. I don’t think he’ll cheat on me, but I don’t like these past girls reappearing all of a sudden. I think I’m blowing it all out of proportion. He’s with me. Why can’t I just believe him and let love in?
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
It sounds like you are feeling jealous, and the jealousy is getting in the way of your enjoying your relationship. Letting what Shakespeare called the “Green-Eyed Monster” get the better of you is a sure way to start unraveling your connection with your boyfriend. By letting your fear and insecurity take over, you end up experiencing more periods of discomfort, suspicion, and insecurity in the relationship than periods of feeling secure, respected, and loved. You seem to have an issue trusting your boyfriend, and from what you describe, you have a modicum of reason to feel that way. However, your boyfriend has no control over who calls him, texts him, or sends emails. He does however have control over whom he provides with his phone number, email address, or other information.
Feeling jealousy at past flames can be a normal feeling. But I can tell you that going through his personal emails and phone log will be a swift and effective way to get him to start pulling back from you. I recommend getting some professional counseling for this issue, before you allow your insecurity to drive a wedge between yourself and a loved one. The other girls messaging him are not his girlfriend, you are. He is with you for a reason. Allow yourself to relax and continue to be the person that your boyfriend was attracted to in the first place. Next time something like this happens, tell your boyfriend that you already know how desirable he is, this is just more evidence! Then go enjoy your time together, instead of worrying about people who live several time zones away!
