Reader’s Question

I am a 22-year-old woman in a relationship with a wonderful man. From my early teens I’ve struggled with inclinations toward self-harm, depression, mood swings, suicidal thoughts, habitual lying, and an eating disorder. I am pleased to say that over the last few years my mental health has improved greatly, and I’ve had no problems at all for the last eighteen months. I’ve even managed to come off my medication with no ill effects.

The problem is with my boyfriend’s parents. My boyfriend used to share everything with them (but not anymore). When he told them about my history, they put pressure on him to leave me, telling him that my problems would only get worse, and that I’d be a burden on him in the future. They also claimed that they saw signs of current mental illness in my behavior. Their evidence for this was my constantly holding hands with my boyfriend (which actually he initiates: I am not a fan of public displays of affection) and the fact that I have been quiet and “aloof” around them (I was indeed nervous but I always made the effort to be polite!).

I can understand why they’re concerned, especially given the habitual lying in my past, which I will never cease to be ashamed of myself. But the fact I have been judged so harshly by these people, despite the obvious improvements I’ve made in the last few years, makes me upset every time I think about it. Although my boyfriend thankfully doesn’t buy their point of view, I worry that the pressure from them will one day cause him to leave me anyway. How do I deal with this? How can I stop their prejudice ruining our relationship?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Although you’ve come a long way, it sounds as though you haven’t fully forgiven yourself for some of the problems you once had, hence your lingering need for the validation of others. You state that your boyfriend hasn’t bought into the negative notions of his parents. That’s great. But you also worry that his present opinion of you won’t last. After all this time and so many struggles, it should be clear to you by now that the stability you really seek and need is internal, not external. Remember your duty to self-affirm and to recognize and reinforce every step you take to solidify your sense of self. If you’ve got the right guy, he’ll know and appreciate you regardless of the past or what anyone else might have to say.