How Can I Deal With a Wife Who Has Histrionic Personality Disorder?
Reader’s Question
I’m so glad I found a site like yours because I am desperate to get some good advice!
Basically, I am a doctor, and I’ve been married for 17 years, with two children. I’ve had plenty of ‘ups and downs’ just in daily life. But life with my wife is like a roller coaster. She simply walked away from home once and lived separately from us for 3 years. She tries all things to get attention — including walking out semi-nude, making suicidal gestures, etc. Her parents and some close relatives also exhibit similar behaviour. Married life has become very tiresome, and it is difficult to give adequate attention to my profession. My wife is manipulative enough to convince others that everything is my fault, and being a male with poor social skills, it is difficult to get sympathy from anyone!
I did not know about Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) until recently. However, I find that its description fits my wife “like a glove.” My wife denies any symptoms of HPD. She throws tantrums when I even mention counselling. I did manage to take her to a few sessions, but the experience was at best useless!
My questions:
- How to protect the children from her tantrums?
- How to deal with her to save my marriage for the sake of the children?
I am anxious to hear your views on this subject.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Everyone has certain personality “traits” and tendencies. When personality traits and patterns are enduring, intense, inflexible, and interfere with social interactions while creating distress and impairment in adaptive functioning, they can constitute a disorder.
Histrionic Personality Disorder is characterized primarily by a pervasive pattern of intense emotionality and attention-seeking. Histrionic personalities tend to be overly focused on physical appearance, tend to engage in superficial and seductive relationships, and tend to be dramatic and intense in the display of emotion but lacking in substance when it comes to maintaining true intimacy. Some of the behaviors you mention are similar to the behaviors found in HPD. However, some other behaviors (especially the self-harm gestures) are suggestive of other personality issues.
It’s not surprising that you did not experience great luck with your attempts at counseling. For one thing, personality disturbances are often “ego-syntonic,” which means that the person having the disturbance thinks there’s nothing wrong with them and that everyone else has the problem. For another, traditional psychotherapeutic and counseling approaches are not very effective. It takes more than a few visits, and a very different kind of counseling to help effect change in someone who indeed has a personality disturbance.
It’s important that children know where the appropriate limits and boundaries are in their home. They do not need to become embroiled in the drama of the dysfunction of any of the adults around them. And, it’s important that they know that it’s the adult with the problem, not them.
With respect to salvaging your relationship, it will likely take time, specialized therapy, and a firm commitment. You will need to lay down firm expectations and hold fast to them. You will also need to invest yourself heavily in the process. First, however, you must find a therapist or counselor with the right training and reputation for dealing with such issues.
