Reader’s Question

I’ll do my best to make a long story short.

During a period of time when I was emotionally shattered by the financial abuse of several friends and family members whom I had involved in my once-successful business, and due to the physical abuse of a former partner who was desperate for me to keep that business going to provide him with an income as an employee, I began a relationship with someone who had become a close friend. He also desperately needed an income at the time. I was pretty much the only person who could or would do most of the work, and it was an impossible workload, especially considering how emotionally wrecked I was. Though the business generated a lot of income, the debt we had was a “hump” we could never really get over. The debt forced me to live in what served as our office for 2-1/2 years with my ex, who at least once a week in a drunken rage physically and sexually abused me. He even choked me a few times, holding a gun to my head to scare me. My new boyfriend knew this was happening, but whenever I pled with him to let me temporarily end the business effort to get rid of the ex and get myself back together, he would become angry, stating that if I did that I would be abandoning him with all of the debt that had been created, some of which could have potentially led to criminal charges if we did not refund customers. He never once demonstrated any concern for my safety or suffering and frequently refused to comfort me, claiming he was too stressed by the financial situation to be there for me that way. Finally everything did fall apart, and I was able to escape to another city. Instead of being happy for me, he was very hostile and accusing. After nothing bad happened, he began to be nice to me again. However, unless I basically browbeat him, he has never apologized or demonstrated any concern for what happened to me as a result of his manipulating me to stay in that abuse. He is much more concerned with the health of his aging mother, with whom he lives as a caretaker, though without the ability to live there he would not be able to support himself. On the surface he is a very nice guy whom everyone loves. He obviously doesn’t want anyone to know of his role in what happened to me, and claims he was so stressed out at the time he was just crazy. At first I accepted that and told him I forgave him, but he continued to be emotionally unavailable to me, claiming he was too overwhelmed by his mother’s care. I was able to miraculously put myself and my life back together, but he has made me feel that I am being unreasonable in expecting him to demonstrate concern for me.

What is wrong with this man? And, what is wrong with me? I am 60, he is 59, and we went to high school together.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s interesting that you begin nearly every sentence of the abusive situations you describe with an explanation (i.e., rationalization) about why you “had” to be in the situation. In fact you had many choices and appear to have made several poor and similar ones, even going from a physically and sexually abusive partner to an emotionally abusive one. It certainly appears that you have the intelligence and insight capacity to understand many things. And you also appear to have strength and persistence. But you appear to look outward at situations, places, people, and circumstances when contemplating what needs to change in your life, when it’s fairly clear you need to be looking within yourself to uncover the fears, insecurities, etc. that prompt you to gravitate toward or remain in unhealthy relationships. A seasoned counselor should be able to help you do just that.

You are now 60 years old and a truly emotionally independent life is yours for the claiming. If not now, when?