Reader’s Question

I am 24, and I met a 21-year-old girl just over a year ago. Since then I have come to love her, and she really likes me, but here’s my problem: she has never felt any true romantic feelings for anyone in her life. It’s as if she’s just missing that part of the emotional chemistry. We’ve come to the point that she feels closer to me than anyone else in her life, and it shows. She likes to cuddle, do playful things together, and she’ll tell me anything, even if it’s really embarrassing, which she had trouble doing before. I’ve been able to open her up in a way that so far no one else has been able to. She feels comforted around me alone. I feel like I can eventually open her up to love, but so far she feels the same in that regard. I never want to give up on her. What should I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your question is about your girlfriend’s ability to experience romantic love and intimacy. You state that you never want to “give up on her”, and what should you do? Well, I would tell you with a smile that you should follow your instincts on this one, and not give up on her!

We humans are more alike than we are different, in my humble opinion: sure we all have our quirks, but for the most part, we are more similar than dissimilar. Having said that, some of us experience romantic relationships differently as well. Your girlfriend may simply be a bit more cautious in areas where her heart is concerned. You claim that she may be “missing that part of the emotional chemistry,” but is that her opinion or is that yours? From what you describe, you are experiencing authentic intimacy and genuine companionship and affection from her. Maybe you have a notion that romantic love is “supposed” to be an all-encompassing emotional sensation that sweeps both of you off your feet and hermetically seals the two of you in a cocoon of sticky-sweet romance. That is what is portrayed in myriad romance novels and is represented on the Lifetime Channel as the norm for human relating. The truth is that sure some folks get swept away, but how healthy is it to feel that you have no grounding under your feet because you are so “in love”?

It sounds to me that you have a solid relationship in the works here, with a young woman who does not wear her heart on her sleeve, and is not easily swayed in one direction or the other. From where I am sitting, it looks like the two of you are quite lucky! If you feel that your needs are specifically not being met, maybe having some professional counseling sessions with a trained psychotherapist could be beneficial. Maybe the two of you could have a couple of sessions together, to increase awareness and communication.

If you love this woman, which it sounds like you do, then focus on the fact that you have been fortunate to find someone who clearly feels about you like she has never felt for anyone before, and enjoy!