Reader’s Question

I have constantly had low self-esteem since a young age and have been an emotional wreck in terms of my maturity my whole life. I have had very little quality in my friendships but never really questioned why, so I lived my life in self-sabotage, acting like a clown to get attention, not trying at school, and relating poorly with family.

I am now 20 and not much has changed. As I have become more familiar with my problems, I have found myself putting on (what seems to be) a front. I was told by a psychiatrist that I have spent too much time being too introspective and not looking outside of myself. I have realized that if this is the case, I need to make some positive changes by practicing CBT.

So my question is how does one learn to accept oneself if they are socially immature? I try to accept myself but get hung up with the notion of accepting the unhealthy image I project of myself instead of who I really am.

Any thoughts or opinions on this would be great.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You don’t have to believe in the thoughts or behaviors you change for CBT to begin to work. You don’t even have to believe in yourself. You only need to make the changes. You can start with your self-talk. Change words like “constantly” (e.g., “constantly had low self-esteem”) to “sometimes,” and words like “try” (which implies the possibility or likelihood of failure) to “will do.” Change the negative things you say to yourself about yourself to more positive statements. Do the very things you fear to do. Think and act differently about yourself time and time again, and reinforce yourself heavily for the effort. After a while of thinking and acting differently, you’ll begin to actually believe differently, and your view of yourself and the world around you will change for the better.