Reader’s Question

I was with a girl for about two years. We had a very good relationship for the most part. We ended up breaking up over some trivial matters. I spent a total of 7 months trying to get her back, which leads us up to the present. Four months into this she started dating someone else who ended up moving in with her a week after they started dating! She came to me about two months after this and told me that she missed me but felt trapped in her relationship. Two weeks ago she left him and came back to me. We then dated for one week until she told me she needed some time for herself before she could be with me again. She said she wanted to straighten her life out. This was a day after we had sex for the first time in all the time we have known each other. During the two years we dated we did not have sex. I then found out that she had lost her virginity to her now ex-boyfriend and not only that, but she had sex with my friend after she had come to me about how she missed me and wanted to be with me again!

I am pretty upset about all of this! We are trying to work everything out so we can be together again, but naturally it’s very hard to forgive her for this. I love her so incredibly much, and I know that in time I’ll be able to move past this, but I have all of these unanswered questions. At the same time she now thinks there’s something completely wrong with her. It makes this situation very difficult because while I need her help moving past this, she needs mine too. I’m just unsure of what to do to make this better, and I want to take care of all of these issues because I know if nothing is done there will be no chance of us ever having a successful relationship again.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I am going to assume that you feel hurt, disappointed and betrayed. Although you do not mention how old you two are, I feel it is probably safe to assume that you are both relatively young. I wonder how you found out about your girlfriend sleeping with your buddy. I think that my biggest concern, if I were you, would be whether or not she is going to be trolling for guys whenever you and she get in a jam. I mean, it sounds like you cherished her love and her virginity in particular, but she was a bit more eager to experience sexual intimacy with others. You mentioned that you need her help to “get over it” but why do you believe this? Isn’t it more accurate to believe that you will be holding her in a different, less flattering light, than previously? And since you did not mention whether you were a virgin until you two had sex recently, I am going to presume that you were. In all honesty, I don’t know what kind of a relationship you are looking for. Maybe you could arrange a couple of sessions with a professional counselor, in order to explore what criteria a relationship would need to meet to be “successful”. Because it sounds like you are feeling hurt by her choices, I’d suggest considering a couple’s session in order to begin the healing process. Forgiveness is good for the soul and good for relationships.