How Do I Get Over Being Used by a Sociopath?
Reader’s Question
I have just gotten out of a relationship with someone who I think is a sociopath. His main characteristics were pathological lying, charm, manipulation, egotism, a lack of empathy and a lack of a conscience.
I’m having a hard time dealing with the emotional abuse, lies, and manipulation he put me through. It’s hard to get over the feeling that I was just a toy, an object for him to use. I feel I need help dealing with the trauma and the realization he simply used me for fun. Just knowing that our whole relationship was a lie and knowing he could look me in the eye and lie is damaging.
You read about these people but to actually experience someone like this is traumatizing. How does one reclaim themselves and move on from this type of experience?
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
The most unnerving thing for people with normal human empathy and conscience to experience is the notion that there actually are people who are devoid of those essential human characteristics. Denial about this is the most frequent reason victims of psychopaths (i.e., sociopaths) remain in abusive situations or eventually become seriously harmed in them. The other reason is, of course, that these individuals are extremely adept at the con game they play, and they can dupe the best of us.
The only known antidote to the horrible sense of shame and unreality a survivor of such an experience often has is the constant realization that they are actually better off now knowing that such people exist and have likely acquired improved skills to avoid victimization in the future. Sometimes, counseling or therapy can also help a person reckon with the “cognitive dissonance” and the sense of unreality that often accompanies the trauma of having been in a relationship with such a person, as well as helping deal with the sense of violation.
Fortunately, sociopathy is a relatively rare thing. However, disturbances of character, including pyschopathy, are increasing. I write about this in my book In Sheep's Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], a revised edition of which is being published by Parkhurst Brothers in March, and in greater depth in my upcoming book Character Disturbance [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], set for release in late May.
