Reader’s Question

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months now, and it’s been a rocky roller coaster except for the first month or so. After about 4 months I found out from his ex-fiancée that he cheated on me with her for almost 3 months. Being a giant idiot, I accepted his apologies and stayed with him. He’s been good ever since, telling me that he knows he doesn’t deserve a second chance.

Anyway, things haven’t returned to normal. He lies to me still (about little things now), he makes fun of me for stupid things (like how my dad is still helping me out financially), and he when he doesn’t like something I do he calls me names (irrational, crazy and my favourite — C***). Also, he’s an alcoholic (4-6 beers every single day).

Needless to say, I’ve discussed these problems with him and most times he tells me I’m being over-sensitive. Or my favourite is when he blames me for the problems in our relationship and for ruining things. Now I don’t mean to sound cocky, but I’ve been an amazing girlfriend! It’s been to the point where I’ve felt that my kindness has been taken advantage of. Sometimes when I get really upset, he admits that he’s been an idiot and is sorry that it hurt me. Obviously, this guys sounds like a huge loser and, trust me, I’ve tried breaking up with him four times now. But it never sticks. Maybe I’m not strong enough to turn him away. Each time I break up with him, though, I truly believe it will be the last time.

Now despite all his crap, I do believe he loves me and does take care of me — he makes me dinner every night (he’s a professional chef), and we have so much fun together and share so much passion (more passion than I’ve ever felt in any previous relationship). However, there’s a voice in my head that keeps telling me that if he truly cared for me and loved me like he says he does he would treat me like a princess. Right? I know, deep down, that he can’t be the one for me, but why am I having such a tough time getting out of it? I keep holding on to the hope that he can change even though I know that it’s crap. Any insight you have would be much appreciated!

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

OK, in a word: run! This is a lot of hassle for a short period of time. Six months? Does the term “selfish jerk” come to mind when you think of him? I hope it does, because that is what it sounds to me like you are dealing with, a self-centered person who is only interested in getting his own needs met, and nobody else’s. As for the ex-fiancée, all I can tell you is that with exes like that, who needs current fiancées? Honestly, I would strenuously urge you to find a counselor and begin addressing some of the issues you may have that are keeping you in a relationship with someone as selfish and disrespectful as the man you describe. If he makes you dinner every night because he is a chef, I would think that you could go to a restaurant and have a better meal without paying the huge emotional toll that accepting meals from this ‘chef’ demands. I would suggest that you look into possible solutions to problems around self-esteem. You do not deserve to be called offensive names, and you certainly do not deserve to be lied to. But what gets my attention the most, is that this person is already cheating (with one person that we know of), and it has only been six months. This chef certainly knows how to whip up a recipe for disaster! His alcoholic behavior makes me uneasy too. Lying, cheating, abusing, and drinking all point to a dead end with this guy. I invite you to please look into some counseling for yourself so that you can work on some of the issues that would keep you stuck with someone who is not giving you love. You deserve to be happy.