Reader’s Question

I have looked all over the internet about this and have been unsuccessful finding an answer. This seems strange because I am sure I am not the only one who this has happened to. Or maybe I am.

I am a female who has seen my therapist for 2 years. I disclosed to him that I loved him about 2 months ago. He was very gentle and understanding but left me hanging without discussing my transference and where it was coming from.

Actually, our relationships was “different” in the sense that he disclosed a lot of information about his personal life to me. It got to the point that I would worry about him many nights and wasn’t able to sleep. Towards the end of our relationship, as problems with his wife seemed to get worse, our sessions seemed to be focused more about what was happening in his life than mine. It sometimes left me feeling bad about talking about my problems after he had just told me his. I liked it though, because I felt like he was trusting me and making me an equal.

About a month ago, I tried to kiss him. Of course, he rejected me. He told me that if he wasn’t married and if I wasn’t his client things would be different. A couple days after this incident, I called his office and was told that all my appointments had been cancelled and that he could not take my calls. I was so devastated that for the first time in years I actually felt suicidal (I don’t anymore). I wrote him a letter apologizing, but he hasn’t responded to it. I saw him in the street once, but he ran in the other direction.

It is so hard for me to accept that the man who once showed so much love and care for me now disdains me. I feel that somehow this should have been handled differently, but partly I feel at fault for having crossed his boundaries. How could this and should this have been treated differently? My emotions are all MIXED UP.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

If all the things you report are true, then some things appear quite clear. You are right to think that things might have gone much differently within the therapeutic relationship if boundaries had not been crossed. But from what you say, boundaries were being crossed early on in this very “different” therapeutic relationship from early on — and not just by you. The fact that your therapist was talking more about his own issues and in a way placing you in the role of confidante makes it quite understandable that you began to have mixed feelings in addition to whatever “transference” you might have been experiencing.

All of the reasons for the abrupt termination of the relationship might never be known. It appears clear there were several hidden agendas at work in the first place and there are probably some similar agendas behind your therapist’s decision to handle things the way you describe. Suffice it to say that you would most likely be better off finding a new therapist with impeccable ethics and credentials. You might then eventually come to a more unbiased understanding of the ordeal you went through and what you need to do to put some closure on your experience.