Reader’s Question

My dad and 15-year-old brother argue all the time. My dad lost his job two years ago. He also had to go on insulin and then on anti-depressants, which he is still on. My parents have had some problems, but they get through them like most couples do.

My dad hasn’t been working and is on insurance pay now. He’s home all the time other than when he is exercising or out with the few friends he has. My dad and brother argue all the time about my brother’s attitude (stupid things like spending 20 minutes in the shower) and school. My brother acts like he doesn’t care and can’t be bothered with studies. We know he is intelligent, so this bothers us. My dad gets angry with him and says things I KNOW he doesn’t really mean, especially when he’s had a drink or two. They had one incident when my brother got very drunk and cried, and they talked for hours and both got upset. Since that time they’ve been sober but silent.

My dad has told my brother: “I’m diabetic, have high blood pressure, and I’m on anti-psychotics! If you carry on the way you are going, you’re going to kill me!” When my brother acts like he doesn’t care, it makes my dad even more angry.

I don’t know what to do! My mum is upset but can’t seem to do anything about the situation either. If she asks my dad to stop being hard on my brother he complains she’s on his side. My brother and dad are so much like each other: stubborn and prideful. None of us wants to live like this, but we don’t know what to do.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Conflicts between fathers and sons during adolescence are not all that uncommon. But things can get more conflicted than normal when disease, disability, depression, and other emotional conflicts complicate the picture.

Depression has many faces and different modes of expression. Sometimes anger rises to the surface. Sometimes people withdraw and act indifferently. Sometimes anger that is really meant for oneself (and would only result in greater depression if one were to direct that anger toward oneself) is “displaced” to somewhat “safer” targets.

It sounds like someone in the family (most appropriately, your mother) needs to set some firm limits and expectations with respect to securing the professional help necessary to help resolve the conflicts that have developed. There are many significant stressors at work (e.g., significant physical illness, significant psychiatric illness, loss of job, family stress), any of which could prompt the need for counseling — but which when taken together argue forcefully for it. Sound medical care for the illnesses you describe involves much more than merely taking medicines to deal with potentially life-threatening symptoms. And if the primary medical provider is either not inclined to recommend comprehensive care that includes counseling, or is against such care, perhaps another provider should be sought.