Reader’s Question

I was in a volatile relationship for 5 years. It was an on-again, off-again relationship with a lot of drunken phone calls on his part professing love for me only to not remember it the next day, a lot of talking about how great we’d be together if only we didn’t fight, and how great things would be when we could move in together and combine both of our wages.

It took him 4 years to take me out in public in our own home town. Our relationship was mainly behind closed doors and under the cover of darkness when we finished work. We would go out to dinner or have weekends away in other towns but didn’t really do anything together in our own home town. He made me promises about how great our future would be once he sold his business, a bar in our town.

He would always leave the relationship if we had a fight, saying we just weren’t compatible. Then 2-3 weeks later he would be call again or turn up on my doorstep drunk, and I would take him back. In the 5 years he has left me 9 times, and I took him back every time. The main reason we would fight is because when he drinks he becomes verbally abusive, and he also starts up ‘relationships’ with other girls.

We split up (for the final time) about 6 months ago, but I would still get phone calls when he was drunk. The last time I heard from him was 5 weeks ago. He has finally sold his bar and apparently isn’t drinking at all. Yet now, I’m not hearing from him.

Does the fact he’s no longer contacting me mean he has finally turned a corner? Did I have it wrong and now that he has left the bar and not drinking, his behavior has actually improved? Could his workplace really have been the problem all along?

Apparently he has a new girlfriend and is taking her to a wedding in our home town in a few weeks. It took him 4 years to take me out in public. Does that mean he has finally decided to get serious about a relationship? Can anyone really change so quickly?

I feel like this other girl is getting a good version of him, whereas I wasn’t good enough to get the best of him; I’m very hurt by this.

Any insight would be appreciated.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are right to say that you need some insight. It seems like a lot of denial and wishful thinking have clouded your judgment so far.

You were involved with a guy who verbally abused you and generally treated you with little respect. You took him back time and again, even when he was at his worst. And you’re still “involved” to some extent, keeping tabs on him while he “gives his best” to another girl.

Your interest and involvement with this man appears unhealthy at best. You are asking questions about him and his character without giving much attention to yourself and the aspects of your character which made you vulnerable to him in the first place. You say you are “hurt” by the fact that he is public about his involvement with his new girlfriend, especially because he would not publicly acknowledge you for several of the years you were involved. But it seems quite clear that your sense of self-worth was impaired and in need of some attention before you got involved with him (which might explain why you stayed with him so long).

It would be the height of “enabling” to answer any of your questions about this guy. Forget him and start asking the questions you need to ask of yourself.