Reader’s Question

I’ve been a bit confused lately and am seeking some clarification. I’m 17 years old and have a 19-year-old boyfriend. Recently, I’ve heard some things about mental/emotional abuse and started wondering if my relationship sounds emotionally abusive.

We started dating about a year and a half ago, and it was all good for the first few months. We went to parties, I saw my friends and he saw his, and we were generally just happy. I’m not sure when things changed, but it’s been going on for a while. There are lots of things he does that have made me start thinking maybe this relationship is not right for me.

For starters he is very demanding. He insists I make him breakfast every morning he is at my house and makes me give him a back massage every night he sees me after work. I also have to get him dinner or something to eat as well. I am constantly running around for him, getting his things for him that he’s told me to get, and if I don’t do what he asks he gets angry and tells me that I’ve just been lying around while he’s been out working to pay for me.

I don’t have a full-time job like he does, we are not particularly rich, and I get a $100 a fortnight check from an agency. I have been completing my 11th year at school and passed by the skin of my teeth because I got pregnant on the pill, only to have a termination with complications that left me in the emergency room at 1:00 in the morning on more than one occasion. The money I get goes to his fuel ($20), a packet of cigarettes (which I share with him), some food for us, and lately marijuana.

He has massive debts, and his $1400 pay goes in the first week; the next week when it is my pay, I have to pay out for everything out of my pay. I can’t remember the last time I bought something for myself. He uses guilt trips like “I pay for everything” and “You’re so lazy” to make me feel bad.

My boyfriend has anger issues as well. He gets very worked-up and has smashed my phone on one occasion when I questioned why he had a picture of his ex-girlfriend’s boobs on his phone. I have seen him put his head through a wall when he didn’t get his way with his parents, and he’s just generally an agressive personality.

He likes to say things about me that he knows hurt me. A big problem is that his mood changes in an instant. He can go from all this to being the best boyfriend on the planet in a fraction of a second. If I get EXTREMELY pissed at him for the way he’s treated me, he’ll be all nice and offer back massages, call me beautiful and make me feel good. He is such a charmer and I just cave.

By far the biggest problem is that he is constantly dissing my family. He is fairly well off, and I am not. My father has been in and out of jail on drug charges for the past few years. In that time, mum had 2 more kids in addition to the four kids he already left her with. We’ve always lived off assistance, and mum has never had a job. My dad has had jobs, but they’ve mostly been illegal. The worst part is he goes home and tells his parents all these things and makes things out to be that I have it bad at home. His parents actually suggested to him that I take my mum to court and sue for emotional abuse.

I’d like to hear your opinion about my situation.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There sure appears to be a lot going on in your young life — so much so that it would be virtually impossible to give accurate, good advice. Some things do appear relatively clear, however. Your boyfriend seems to think quite a lot of himself and has high expectations for everyone else. You, on the other hand, might not think enough of yourself to resist the “charm” of someone who knows how to send messages of approval when it serves him well, even if he doesn’t treat you all that well most of the time.

My best advice: Slow down, step back, and prioritize. You’re still very young. You have an education to finish and a self to discover and develop. When you have enough maturity behind you, you’ll be better able to differentiate the healthy relationships from the bad. Your hormones and your low self-esteem might be telling you that you need a sexualized relationship with a boyfriend and someone to give you messages of approval right now. But what you really need is to grow up and acquire the soundness of judgment so that when the time comes, you can fulfill yourself, care for your children, and provide them with parents who stay out of jail, don’t abuse each other, and have a healthy sense of self-worth. Patterns in families tend to repeat. Don’t be in such a hurry. And consider visiting with a counselor (perhaps at school). You might be very glad you did.