Reader’s Question

I have been in an on-again, off-again relationship with a man for over 4 years. When we first started seeing each other, we both drank heavily. Unknown to me, he was also addicted to crack cocaine. During the course of our relationship, we always had great sex, but we also always had sex under the influence. About 7 months ago, we broke off the sex and had only a platonic relationship while he went into rehab. We have both since stopped drinking and doing drugs and are both attending AA and NA meetings.

My question is this. We have recently become very close again in our relationship, and last week we had sex for the first time in 7 months. It was the first time we had sex when we were both clean and sober. Well, it didn’t go to well. We tried again last night, but with the same result. He was not able to reach climax, and I was not really very into it.

I love this man with my whole heart, and he loves me, but I am wondering if the fact that we used to always have sex while we were “high” is somehow hindering our lovemaking now. Do we need to “learn” how to have sober sex? Is this a common complaint among recovering addicts? Can we find the passion we once had? Any advice you may have will be appreciated.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The influence of various drugs on one’s sexual experience is multi-faceted. Contrary to popular belief, most substances impair performance capacity. However, some substances heighten sensory sensitivity. Under the influence, anxieties and inhibitions can also be lessened, thus increasing the subjective experience of joy.

More fundamentally, every “high” is a chemical high in the brain. That is, every pleasurable experience we have is the result of the release of powerful chemicals, notably the endorphins and enkephalins in the brain, especially in and around the “pleasure centers” of the brain. We can become conditioned to release these chemicals in certain situations. And the fact that we tend to repeatedly put ourselves in positions (like doing drugs) that will result in the release of these chemicals, despite the negative consequences sometimes incurred, is the very nature of addiction.

So, reconditioning yourself to experience pleasure under different circumstances comes with some good and bad news. The good news is that you can do it. The bad news is that it doesn’t happen quickly like when you use a substance to alter brain chemistry. Instead, you have to “cultivate” good feelings by slowly, steadily, and persistently nurturing your relationship and deepening your level of intimacy.

Once you abandon the notion that the best things should come quickly and easily, and make a commitment to a different lifestyle, in time, you’ll be able to find joy again, and most likely in even greater measure. It’s an ordeal at first, to be sure. But it’s an ordeal that’s ultimately good for your character development as well as your sex life.