Reader’s Question

I am a 38-year-old woman finding it hard to move ahead in my life.

I spent my 20s studying, traveling and started a career that I really enjoyed. I had some good relationships but always ended them because at that time I didn’t want to settle down. I also suffered from severe depression which took some time to recover from.

When I hit 30, I had a crisis, and I realised I did want to be married and have children. I also became dissatisfied with my career, took some time off to travel and do a master’s degree, and came back to the same work. The last few years I have kept myself working, even though I didn’t enjoy it, to buy a home and set up a foundation for the family I wanted to have. I have created a balanced life with friends, exercise, travel and volunteer work.

However, I haven’t been in a relationship now for 6 years, and the possibility of a partner and children is looking remote. Even though I have friends, I feel lonely on a daily basis. I would like to change careers but haven’t been able to identify anything else that I would really like to do. I have been struggling to keep myself going and wondering what I am really striving for. I feel unhappy with my life and struggle to set any meaningful long term goals for myself. I don’t know what else I want or what would provide some meaning for my life. I have been doing a lot of reflection, exercises, reading philosophy, etc., but it’s not helping me find a way forward. I have always been introspective, but now I feel like I may just be procrastinating. I don’t want to plan for a single life for myself. My life feels on hold right now even though I am getting through my daily tasks. I’m finding it hard to make decisions. I have been emotional and anxious.

I don’t know if I am depressed again or if this is just a struggle I need to go through in order to accept that the life I want may not happen. I need some strategies to get through this.

Thanks for your help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your question is one that is probably shared by countless other people too. In our twenties, we feel like our lives span out so far into the future that we can “afford” to dabble in various lifestyles and other pursuits, with no thought of how swiftly we will wake up one morning and find it’s our 40^th birthday! The good news is that you are still young — yes, you are! And the way that the world is these days, you CAN have a family, albeit one that may look a little different than what is thought of as the “typical” family. You seem to be financially sound, and you seem to have some time on your hands to pursue things like reading literature and the like. I am wondering if you have ever considered adopting a child who is in need of a family? Just because one doesn’t give birth to the child, does not mean that the child cannot be one’s own. You would undoubtedly feel a great sense of joy at starting your own family, and you would feel great about helping a child that needs a loving home. If that seems like something that you aren’t willing to consider just yet, volunteering to mentor a teen is another way to do good in the community and increase your “family”. Also, while you are volunteering, you just may meet some very eligible bachelor! By volunteering, you would both share a common interest already. This common ground can pave the way for many more shared interests, and you help the world in the process.

It can seem very unfair for women who choose to pursue their careers before a family. And although men have had the luxury of having it all, both the career and the family, women have had to make tough choices, if only for our biological clocks! It may be that your family is “out there”, already formed and waiting for you to be the great mother you seem to believe you would be.

If you are finding yourself uninspired about your work, or career choice, now is a great time to sit down with yourself and decide what it is you REALLY would like to do. Maybe taking a couple of classes in a field in which you have interest would help to clarify things for you.

All in all, this has been the best time in history to be a woman! Women are making strides that one hundred years ago were unthought of. Take pen to paper and make a list of all the things that you find interesting. Be sure to let your imagination have free reign here. If you have always wanted to be a chef at a resort on Bora Bora, write it down! If you thought it would be a blast to bottle feed baby giraffes at the zoo, write it down! Write everything down that you have ever even slightly considered to be of interest. Then go over your list each day. You can add to it or subtract from it, but either way, look at it each day. A good thing to do is to write down your desires on the pages of a little book. (One of those 88-cent notepads you can pick up at the supermarket is perfect.) Each day on a separate paper, write a declarative statement about what it is you would like to experience. Often, the thing that you would like to appear in your experience will do so before you ever get to the last entry page of the notebook. You could write something like this: “I have a great family, and I enjoy being in a loving, satisfying relationship with a wonderful man whom I get on with splendidly. We have happy kids who love having me for a mom!” Also, you could add this to your list: “I have a fulfilling career that interests me completely — and pays well!” Now, I know several cases where this kind of affirmative “meditation” has really blossomed for those who were participating in it. I can safely say that there is not one person I know who has taken this activity seriously, and NOT had some shift or epiphany by the time they scribbled their last entry. It’s powerful stuff, and I hope you have fun with it!