Reader’s Question

When my husband’s cell phone lost some of it’s programming today, he came to me complaining about it. I told him that I had not touched his phone. He then went off, proceeding to march around the house, and finally leaving in a huff. He then told me that my tone to him was abusive and that I treat him like crap. He tells me that I am wrong for making any kind of comment like that. My attitude was: something bad happened, just get over it. But taking that stance just seems to escalate the argument. This kind of thing happens at least once a month these days. We have only been married 6 months, and I don’t want to have to watch every word I say and how I say it for the next 20 years. What do I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s difficult to make an accurate assessment of your situation with such limited information. It’s possible that your communication styles are very different and incompatible. It’s also possible that you have very different temperaments and personality styles. Some individuals tend to be quite demanding (i.e., moralistic, judgmental, and harboring high expectations). Such individuals might impose unreasonable demands on themselves, others, or both. There are also individuals who expect others to cater to their wants and needs. Whatever the case, unreasonable and irrational demands are often at the root of unhealthy anger and hostility.

It’s probably a good idea for the two of you to visit with a marital counselor. Because there are so many possible explanations for your difficulties, and because there are already signs of unhealthy volatility and intransigence in your relationship, it would be a good idea to explore and work through the issues before problems intensify.