Reader’s Question

I admitted to myself that I am bisexual last year. I admitted it to my sister, as well. The thing is, how do I admit it to everyone else? I am 16, and my mom has always been against people who are gay. Every time she says something bad about someone being gay or bisexual I get torn up a little inside.

I hope that I can keep my sexuality a secret until I am in college. Why? Because I don’t want my mom (or anyone else) saying that it is “just a phase.”

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The process of “coming out” about one’s sexuality is often a tender and difficult undertaking. The important thing to keep in mind is being genuine and accepting. Experts in the field advise members of the GLBT community to consider some important guidelines as they decide when, where, and how to come out:

• It’s a good idea not to “drop the bomb” about sexuality during the middle of a heated argument or discussion. Instead, find a calm time and place when you have enough time to really discuss issues.
• Keep in mind that adjusting to the news might take some time. Be patient. Just as you probably had to be patient and understanding with yourself as your sexuality became increasingly clear, parents and friends sometimes need patience and understanding in order to learn, accept, and adjust.
• Make it clear why it’s important to be “out.” Just as distancing yourself from stigma and becoming more self-accepting is important to you, overcoming misconceptions, abandoning stereotypes, and coming to understand will be important to your family and friends. Make the issue about genuineness and acceptance.
• Understand that the resistance you might face is not about you but mostly about the discomfort of others. They might have seen signs early on and chose to ignore or deny them out of their own fear or discomfort with sexuality issues.

Deciding when, where, and to whom to come out is a very personal issue. But coming out can also be a time of great teaching, understanding, and greater acceptance for all, especially when approached with patience and care.