Reader’s Question

In August 2004, my wife of then 31 years filed for divorce. A month before our court date, she withdrew her petition. Just after she filed, she was hostile, angry, cocky, and arrogant. But after I met and started dating another woman, she became much more friendly and cooperative. While she never suggested reconciling, she mentioned several times that she was “surprised” I was dating another woman.

I dated the other woman for one year, then we lived together with her for three. My wife visits me before work in the morning to provide sexual favors about once a week, and this has actually gone on for over 5 years.

My wife has run up significant debt without telling me about it. After she withdrew her divorce petition, she stopped paying all bills, and siphoned about $25,000 out of our bank account. When I approach her about finances or divorce, she avoids the topics or changes the subject. If I threaten to consult my own attorney or to file for divorce myself, she gets angry, and accuses me of “intimidating” her.

When I ask her directly if she wants a divorce, she replies “yes.” But when I told her that I broke up with the other woman (last September), she broke into tears. At her suggestion, I went to see a counselor for “emotional divorce mediation.” I went twice. The plan was for her to then meet twice alone with the mediator, which would be followed by joint sessions. She never went, claiming she couldn’t get off work.

I need some information about what might be going on here.

Characteristics of my wife prior to her initial filing for divorce:

• Frequent lies, especially about finances.
• Passive-aggressive, sneaky.
• Forged my signature several time to obtain money.
• Black/white thinker.
• Poor listener/communicator.

Thanks.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It is interesting that you ask for advice about what might be going on when you appear fairly capable of categorizing quite succinctly your wife’s character defects. It is also interesting that while still married and receiving regular “sexual favors” from your wife you were also living with another woman whom you started dating soon after your wife initially filed and continued seeing after the petition was withdrawn. Lastly, it’s quite interesting that you report breaking off the relationship with the other woman only recently, even as your wife’s purported sneaky, irresponsible behavior only escalated.

What’s going on here is a lot of dysfunction by both parties to a marriage that somehow has remarkably lasted over 30 years. Suggestion: get back to the counselor, this time for your own sake, and work through the issues that have made such a level of relationship dysfunction possible.