Reader’s Question

My son (almost 8 years old) seems to have a problem with his coping skills. When he gets frustrated or angry, he physically lashes out by either throwing something and ultimately breaking it or by threatening physical violence on another person — usually his sister or us, his parents. He does not normally do this with friends, and I have never been notified of any such behavior in school — it seems like he only does this at home.

My fear is that if he doesn’t correct this behavior it will only get worse as he gets older and bigger. Can you give me some insight as to why this is happening and where or who I should turn to for help? He doesn’t seem to want to take advice from us, his parents.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It sounds like your son is behaving within the boundaries of which he is aware. Your son apparently does not behave in this temperamental fashion at school, or with friends. Why? Probably because he knows he cannot get away with that kind of hissy-fitting! If you are not laying out clear and consistent boundaries with him, you are certainly not doing him any favors, and you aren’t doing any favors for yourself or your daughter.

What is your discipline like? Are you taking away privileges and following through with the disciplinary actions you set down? Or, do you try to reason with him, as if he were a mildly annoying co-worker? He is a kid. He is 8 years old. He is scanning his environment for clues as to what works and what doesn’t. You may be sending him signals that these behaviors are acceptable. If he is throwing a fit, and you try to calm him by acquiescing to his demands, in an effort to keep a semblance of peace in your home, then you are reinforcing the negative behavior.

What you want to do is let your son know what is acceptable, and what is unacceptable. When he chooses to go down the path of unacceptable behavior, he will have to face the consequences. This is the key. If a child knows that it is unacceptable to break Mommy’s dinnerware (for example), and he chooses to do it anyway, that kid of defiant behavior must be met with consequences. Take away his game, his computer — whatever it is he spends the bulk of his leisure time playing. And then if he continues the unacceptable behavior, take away something else. I know of a family that had to strip their child of all his video games and whatnot, and even had to go so far as to remove the door from its hinges in order to illustrate what was OK and what wasn’t. This kid no longer behaves in an unacceptable fashion. He learned.

By letting your child learn that there are consequences for his behaviors and choices, you empower him. When he behaves in an acceptable manner, let him know intermittently that he is doing a good job at controlling his behaviors. The old saying that you can get more with honey than vinegar would apply here. Once he sees that there is a consequence of no fun games as a result of doing x, y, or z behavior, versus getting an extra half hour of video game time for doing a, b, or c behavior, he will make choices that benefit him. He will have the opportunity to demonstrate his ability to make better choices by being aware of what will happen if he makes a choice that he knows is unacceptable. You want to get a handle on this now, so that your son can learn self discipline and self control. Children who are raised with reasonable boundaries are more relaxed because they know what they can and cannot do. So parents, it’s OK to say “no!” to your son. Ultimately he will appreciate the ability to relax into knowing exactly where the boundaries of acceptable conduct are.