Reader’s Question

I have been married 2 1/2 years to a man who was charming when we courted but is dominating now, and verbally abusive. His wife of 25 years committed suicide 6 years ago. (He taunted her she would never do it, but she indeed did do it.) His 30-year-old daughter has been assessed as having a behavior disorder but is mixing bipolar drugs for a constant high, is in and out of the household, and is holding us hostage emotionally. She is all charm when he is there, and vicious to me when he is not. After her threats to me, I was not comfortable with her living in the house; he said she could live there, and “You can go live in a hotel and I am not paying for it!” and “You don’t understand, she will hurt herself if I don’t give her her way.” He actually seems angry with me for her childishness. I realize he is terrified she will do what her mother did, and she of course realizes it too and uses it to the hilt.

We are living in the house where the years of screaming and verbal abuse happened; he built the house himself and says he will never move. His rage is cyclic and seems to build and then explode no matter what I do. (His pattern is 2 days smouldering, 2 days screaming, one day sulky retreat and then one day sheepish or oddly euphoric.) His apology — if he apologizes — wears off after 20 seconds if I am not immediately forgiving. Actually I am shell-shocked and in emotional shreds and do not recover from these onslaughts anymore.

Part of me feels to allow such an easy apology is enabling him and minimizing the damage this is doing to me. How do we get past the emotional scars for him? His father was also a shouter, an autocratic “I talk, you shut up” kind of person, and I feel that under pressure he is doing to me what frightened him as a child. He will not consent to counseling because “YOU are the one with the problem. YOU make me angry”. He seems to think he needs to be the strict father because I will misbehave like a bad daughter. No-one sees this side of him but me. I have no family, am not allowed to have a job and have no support system outside the marriage anymore. He clings to the daughter who is abusing him and abuses the wife who wants to help him heal.

I had not expected the depth of these problems because I was told it was all the former wife’s doing. The family seem to learn these manipulations from each other. How can we get beyond these patterns and emotional mind-games to achieve some kind of healing? And does a 30 year-old daughter really come before a new wife? I am exhausted and outnumbered.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It certainly does sound like you are outnumbered, to say the least. What concerns me most in this question is that you claim you are “not allowed to have a job”. Were you working when you met this man? This is a really important thing to address for your well-being. I get countless women sending me these kinds of questions, and I get very concerned when I discover that they do not have any access to their own funds! Having your own money is something that allows you to make your own decisions about whether you stay or go in a relationship. There is a practical wisdom that dictates that women always have enough money in an account of their own that would allow her to move into her own apartment, with enough to allow her to care for herself, should a relationship turn abusive. I cannot emphasize to you enough how key this is for you. You don’t mention specific consequences that would happen should you secure your own employment. I am hoping that the repercussions would not be violent resistance from your husband. If you are being abused by this man, there are various shelters for battered and abused women throughout the various counties in your state. If he is harming you, you would be wise to secure a restraining order and get as far away from him as possible.

The fact that his previous wife took her own life does not make me feel comfortable about you situation either. Were they still together when this happened? Please seek out the assistance of your local authorities to help protect you from this man. You cannot be too careful when dealing with someone who seems to be as explosive and unpredictable as the person you describe. Also, in regards to the daughter, if she tries to harm you, you would be wise to get a restraining order against her, too. Be careful!