Reader’s Question

My mother has liked to control everything I’ve ever done since I started high school, and I was OK with this because she was paying for it. Now I’m in college, and she doesn’t pay for anything (it comes from me), yet she still tries to control me. Ever since I started going out with my girlfriend she’s been doing it more. She makes it so that I can’t see her as often as I want to and the one day I do get to see her she takes that away too and gives me a bogus excuse like she gave you a hickey so you can’t see her. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a part of a normal relationship? Even my girlfriend knows my mother doesn’t like her at all, and I really don’t want to lose her because my mom wants to control my life. I really need help solving this because I can’t be having her follow me around when we are married, making my girlfriend feel like she’s worth nothing.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It sounds like your mother’s disregard for your feelings in this situation is making YOU “feel like nothing”! I get the impression that your mother isn’t quite ready to “let go” of her son. It is unfortunate that your mom is treating you as if you were still in Middle School, rather the college student that you are, but alas, she seems to be doing just that. Since you don’t mention your age specifically, or your girlfriend’s age, I am going to assume that both of you are pretty young. And, since you didn’t mention it, I am going to believe that you must still be living at home with your mother, rather than in student housing. You would prefer for her to treat you like a grown up, but asking to do so is probably not going to get the results you desire.

You will have to take some fortified steps in an effort to illustrate that you are an adult now, and not an eighth grader. You mention that you are picking up your own tab in terms of finances and your education; I can assure you that by “fending for yourself” in the world, a level of respect and the accompanying gestures and treatment that you would like to see will result. Your mom may never fully accept your girlfriend, but that is her issue, not yours. When you get married, your mother will have to realize that she is no longer the main female figure in your life, and she will need to make the adjustments.

For now, some basic behavior modification techniques could prove helpful. When your mother tries to disrespect you, simply leave. Go for a walk or go for a drive, whatever you prefer, but just do not engage in an argument. Removing yourself from the equation will “pull the plug” on her ability to infantilize you. After you have left the presence of your mom enough times at the heels of one of her rude remarks, she just might get the picture that if she wants to be around you, she will have to stop with the nagging, and start with the respecting! Setting up firm boundaries around which mom must navigate to interact with you and your girlfriend will give you more personal control over your relationship with her. Good luck!