Reader’s Question

I have found that now that I am older (just turned 50), the men I attract are “lower quality” than the ones I used to attract. Just because I’m older, does it mean I have to settle for less?

I don’t mean to sound narcissistic, but I used to “turn heads” whenever I entered a room. I was never flashy or loud. I dressed in jeans, had long blonde hair, and wore no make up, but I did get noticed. My hair is still long and I even get compliments on it, but now it’s more silver than blonde. I’ve gained a few pounds (20 +/-), but I dress pretty much the same. I do wear a little make up these days. But I don’t ever turn any heads anymore when I walk into a room. As a matter of fact, I have found that I am ignored and forgotten by both men and women these days.

I tried online dating from several different websites over the past several years and probably met 50 or 60 men during that time, but only two ever asked me out on a second date. The thing is, I don’t really feel like I’ve changed all that much, in looks or personality, so I’m having trouble dealing with being invisible, forgotten and rejected.

I did finally meet a man who wanted to see me long term. I’ve been seeing him for about a year now. But I really don’t like him very much. He’s not very handsome. He has medical problems as well as financial problems. He is very self-absorbed and talks constantly about all his problems. Frankly, he really gets on my nerves sometimes. Is this the only kind of guy I can attract these days?

What I want to know is this: is this a common problem among single women my age? Do I have to settle for so much less because I’m older now? Is there something “wrong” with me (i.e., looks or personality) that is making me so invisible?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Good relationships have always been hard to secure. That’s what makes them so valuable. And although you might have once considered your youth and physical beauty your prime assets, only you can determine how you want to be viewed by others as well as what qualities you’re looking for in a companion.

Try making a list of the qualities you’re looking for. You can also make a list of the things about yourself that you think merit the respect and appreciation of others. Then, make peace with the notion that finding that right somebody is not an easy task — at any age! You might even find yourself eventually feeling grateful that it’s not as easy being noticed as it once used to be. Turning heads is easy. Keeping a level, healthy head and hooking up with someone of like mind and character is the real challenge!