Reader’s Question

My mother has always been overly negative about everything and everyone except herself. She is also vain. For example, she is 79 and refuses to tell anyone her age, even to the point that she wouldn’t put my dad’s birthday on his headstone lest anyone think she is that old. She is emotionally draining to be around, and I feel myself stressing when I need to go visit her. She is ALWAYS right, and whatever I say is wrong. I do everything for her, but nothing is good enough. She is always putting me down. She compares me to my sister who never stops by to visit her or help out. Yet in her eyes, my sister is golden because she is a doctor. My mom constantly berates me, saying that I have not amounted to anything in this life because I am not a professional. She tells me things like my youngest son hates me because he moved away to take a job in another city and that if he loved me he would have stayed close. She also tells me I am brainwashing my sons to hate her. My sons are 27 and 30 years old and capable of forming their own thoughts on life.

Both of my sons and I were visiting my mom the other day, and my mother told me in front of them that I am the worst daughter that a mother could have. I don’t smoke, drink or do drugs and never have. I always try to be helpful. I’ve been divorced for almost 20 years and still hear about it. We were all shocked, and I didn’t know how to react, so my sons and I left. My sons tell me I shouldn’t associate with her because they see how much being with her upsets me. They tell me that she is the unhappy one and that she takes her unhappiness out on me. I feel badly because my dad recently died, and I think she needs someone to be with her, but yet when I am with her I am subject to all of her insults. It is terribly difficult to communicate with her because her hearing is diminished and she refuses to get an aid. After repeating things to her 4-5 times she thinks she hears what I am saying and spins it that I am making fun of her and it results in an argument. I realize my relationship with my mom will never be normal…and I feel badly about that. I don’t know how to approach her anymore. She will not get external help. What should I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It sure seems like your mom has a fairly unbalance personality. Self-absorption, a preoccupation with power and influence, and vanity are qualities associated with narcissistic personality traits. And such individuals are generally comfortable with the kind of person they are and see little reason to change or to seek outside advice or counsel.

Remember, no insult occurs until it is accepted in some way. You might know rationally that your mom is not healthy, but that might not stop you from unconsciously buying into her messages about your lack of worth. Treat her with civility, but don’t feel obligated to subject yourself to any abuse. You say you know your children are old enough to make their own choices and live with the consequences. That same advice is also abundantly true for your mother.

You don’t have the power to change your mother, and you will waste your time trying to prove your worth to her. Just as your children are correct that she might be displacing a lot of her unhappiness onto you, you might easily be attributing some of your less than optimal self-esteem to her negativity. From what you say, you have created a beautiful family of your own. Once you’re truly respectful of that, you’ll feel less of a sting from your mom’s insensitive remarks.