Reader’s Question

I’m an 18-year-old male from the UK. Around a year ago I began watching a certain TV program. One of the actresses in the program is my age. I initially looked up the actress purely out of curiosity. But lately I’ve been thinking about this actress more and more. I felt a bit of shame doing it, but I spent a great deal of time looking for her on Facebook. I eventually found her profile and added her as a friend, etc. I’m certain it’s the right person as there are simply too many things that indicate that it is her for them all to be coincidences. But I’m now feeling rather bemused, and find myself asking myself what I’m doing. I feel like I’m some kind of stalker. I’m generally a very rational person, and this infatuation I have just doesn’t seem like me at all. Part of me knows that it’s unrealistic to think this person and I could ever have a relationship. But at the same time I want to try anyway.

I don’t know if I’m just being very unrealistic, or whether there is some rationality to my behavior. There’s really nothing to say it couldn’t happen that we somehow connect or that I even get the opportunity to meet her. But I still wonder if I’m clinging to idle and unhealthy fantasies or not.

Am I just over-reacting slightly? Or have I truly “crossed a line”?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

One of the consequences of our “information age” is that it is now quite possible to learn a great deal about people and even connect with them in some ways much more easily than in the past. But the phenomenon of infatuation has been with us for ages. There are some things we know about harmless infatuations as well as unhealthy obsessions that can help you determine whether what you’re experiencing is cause for concern.

Generally, an infatuation:

• is based in fantasy and tends to “over-idealize” and “objectify” the person with whom you’re infatuated,
• has its roots primarily in passion and physical attraction, and
• tends to be short-lived.

Infatuations are generally harmless. They make us feel good and kindle our desires. But they can also get out of hand when we project upon the “idealized” person all of our wants, needs, and unfulfilled desires or when we see them only as an object capable of satisfying our lust. In such cases, infatuation can easily lead to obsession.

In the case of an obsession, generally:

• It is rooted in an unhealthy need for attachment and control.
• It is accompanied by great anxiety.
• It eventually causes the obsessed person to lose a sense of control over their emotions, thoughts, and impulses. They then spend inordinate amounts of time yearning, thinking about, and engaging in actions designed to satisfy their obsession and quell their anxiety.
• It can degenerate into loathing if the object of the obsession doesn’t respond in the manner desired, or in even more serious pathology (e.g., paranoia, more intense desires to “control,” stalking, etc.).

What you describe sounds, at this point at least, more like infatuation than obsession. However, it’s a good idea to stay in touch with and on top of your feelings. Nothing you report suggests that there’s anything in particular about this person (e.g., her personality, her values, her likes and dislikes, etc.) that piqued your interest in her other than the fact that you noticed her on a TV program. As long as you remain open and honest with yourself about the nature of your interest, and remain respectful of appropriate boundaries and limits, you probably won’t have to worry about “crossing the line.”