Reader’s Question

My husband and I have known each other for 10 years and have been married for seven. We also have a seven-year-old child. I have been off of the birth control pill for 4 years now.

My husband is rarely sexual with me anymore, and just a few months ago I realized that he masturbates. He does this at least 3-4 times a week. This has me wondering if it’s because he needs to relieve himself and he cannot do so anymore by having sex with me.

I’m now worried he’s not attracted to me anymore and would rather look at women on the porn sites. I will never be them and will never try to be like them. I also wonder why he lies about masturbating. When I ask him why he stays up until 4 am or why he does not come to bed, he makes some excuse like he was reading a sports site or he wanted to wait until our son is sleeping or there was a game on TV that went into overtime.

I want my husband to be honest with me. I don’t really care if he does it, but the lies bother me, and I just want to know why he seems to prefer this kind of activity over me.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You mentioned that you have been off birth control. It’s possible that pregnancy concerns are in the picture. But there also several other issues potentially impairing your sex life, so there’s no possibility here of a simple answer.

Masturbation itself is neither uncommon nor necessarily problematic. What you describe, however, is a breakdown of communication about your sexual relationship and growing concerns about the lack of physical intimacy in your marriage. Such issues need to be faced directly, openly, and courageously. It’s important that accusations and hostility stay out of the discourse, but it’s also important to make your feelings and concerns known. Often, it’s a good idea to consult a relationship counselor who specializes in helping couples deal with sexual intimacy issues. Regardless of the course you take, it’s important for you to get in touch with your needs and feelings, to communicate them openly to your husband, and to create an atmosphere in which he might be inclined to do the same.