Reader’s Question

My son is 11 years old. He is always telling lies. I think it might be because he is afraid of telling the truth.

We have tried all sorts of ways to try and make him understand that it’s wrong to lie. But he still does it.

Please help. Any advice would be appreciated.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Very young children (ages 3-6) often have difficulty differentiating fact from fiction and fantasy from reality. But once a child has reached the age of reason, the difference between the truth and a lie should be well known.

It’s risky to assume that all lying is fear-based. Research on lying indicates that there are many reason people lie, but all of them boil down to two primary reasons:

• To prevent something unpleasant or unwanted from happening;
• To help ensure that something desired but which is not likely to be obtained honestly can still be secured (this is also the basis of “cheating”).

Teaching children through example, using stories and proverbs, etc. is an important tool in helping children learn the value of honesty. But for some children, this is not enough. So, it’s also important to target the behavior of lying itself and to enforce consequences firmly and consistently. Only when the “costs” of lying outweigh the perceived benefits will a child modify this behavior. Also, it’s important to reinforce the alternative. Rewarding honest behavior will prompt the child to exhibit it more often. Try to “catch” your child at times when he’s being more straightforward and reward him for doing so.

It’s also important that the issue of lying be framed within the much larger context of appropriate moral and responsible behavior. Children who have problems with excessive and frequent lying often have other conduct-related problems. It’s important that they learn the essential rules of responsible social conduct and come to a deep level of awareness about the role honesty plays in being a socially conscientious and responsible person.