Should Baby and I Stay With Boyfriend Who Blames Me for Everything?
Reader’s Question
My boyfriend blames me for everything that goes wrong in our relationship. For example, when we are in the company of his friends he will never ask how am I doing, or seem to take notice of me. When I approach him about it, he questions me why he should ask, since he has me in front of him, why must he ask anything? He always blames me for not making him happy, claiming that I’m the one causing the fights between us, I’m the one who is always doing something wrong when we are in his friends’ company. He told me that he no longer likes the way that I am, and this hurts my feelings. I simply do not know what to do.
We have a child together, and it looks like when we are together, he just spends time with our baby. He seems to ignore me. I find myself avoiding him completely. The only time when I get his attention is when the baby needs something or when she is sick. He spends most of his quality time with his friends and only comes to me at night when he is on his way home. We never go out or spend time alone together. He tells me that he works during the week and on weekends he wants to spend time with his friends. I always stay at home with my baby.
Please help me — what to do? I don’t feel like being in a relationship like this anymore! I love him, but I can’t carry pain like this anymore.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
You sound as if you are very disappointed in how this relationship has turned out. From the way you have described this situation, it sounds like the two of you are not living together, but it also sounds like the two of you are not in a “relationship” anymore either. I don’t know if you are living with your parents with your baby, but it does sound like you would be wise to begin to come to terms with the fact that this man seems to be less interested in having a solid relationship with the mother of his baby, and more interested in partying with his buddies. Sadly, this kind of scenario happens all too frequently. I am wondering if you were being treated this dismissively by him before you got pregnant?
As it stands, you are wise to recognize that he is not providing you with the emotional support that you clearly desire, and nor does it sound like he is giving you any kind of affection or encouragement. What may be best for you would be to find a way either to secure a job, and hopefully some reliable daycare, or take some classes to learn a new skill so that you won’t have to depend on a dismissive man for feeling worthwhile and happy. You mentioned that you were no longer able to carry this pain anymore; then don’t! You two are not married, and although you have his daughter, it sounds like he is not as involved in her upbringing as he ought to be. By you working and making your own way in the world, you empower yourself, as well as giving your little daughter a good example of what an independent and powerful woman looks like! He may have to grow up and take care of his child on the weekends/weekdays, like millions of other men have to do when it is “their” weekend/weekday to care for the child. Such is life, but for you, you deserve to be happy and joyous, not tethered to a man who barely acknowledges your presence and treats you like a convenient day care center.
It is time to step up, find a way to support yourself and your child, and get on your own two feet, emotionally too. You need to pay attention to you, and forget about him…he might be incapable of that. But, don’t you lose yourself in all this. This is a great opportunity to get clear on what you do want, while getting rid of what you don’t want. Life is a series of choices, and now you are given the gift of a beautiful baby, become the best example for her you can be, and have fun with her!
