Reader’s Question

I want to know if my husband is a “controller” or not. We have been married a little over 1 year. He tries to tell me everything to do. He has 3 small children, and when they come to visit us he tries to tell them every bite of food they need to eat and monitors them as they eat. He has insisted on brushing their teeth himself, bathing them, cutting their nails so close the kids cry, cutting their hair himself, wiping their mouths and hands all the time, and spouting out rules constantly — and theses kids are 6, 9, and 10. His oldest son is in 5th grade, and he still would be bathing him and brushing his teeth if I had not thrown a fit about it!

When it comes to me, he is always telling me what I can cook for them and always trying to make me do what he wants. He talks down to me and treats me like I am stupid. He is condescending, interrupts others when they try to talk, and has temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. He tries to make me think that I am the one who is always wrong even when he acts like a butt. He’ll insist on talking to you while you are on the phone with someone, and if you don’t answer him he throws a fit. He uses words like ME, MY, and MINE all the time (e.g., I want this, put my dish back, eat this for me, this is my rule), like he owns everything.

Maybe I am wrong about this guy, but I feel he is very controlling and rude. He is 14 years younger than me and has less experience. I have a BS and Master’s degree, yet he treats me like I’m stupid. I am a teacher, and actually I have tried everything I know to let him know I do not approve of his behavior. But he always says I am over-reacting and he doesn’t think he is rude, overbearing, controlling, or selfish.

Please give me some advice. I don’t know if I can live with him or not. He gets worse as time goes by. I also fear his children will grow up being like him and live a miserable life too.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Some individuals can be detail-oriented, perfectionist, and set high standards without causing grief for others. But some can use these tendencies as vehicles for covert-aggression. (I write about this in my book In Sheep's Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK] and have also posted several articles on the topic on this website). Such individuals are quite controlling and manipulative. It seems that you already have a sense of this individual’s controlling nature and other possibly problematic aspects of his character. The bigger questions might be what drew you to him in the first place and why you didn’t set firmer limits on the behaviors he shows toward you a lot sooner.

Persons with character deficiencies are rarely troubled by their tendencies and almost always blame others. And they’re not usually amenable to helping intervention unless faced with dire consequences for their actions. It’s probably time for you to stop asking questions and trying to figure out what your instincts have already told you. This guy has issues, and you appear to know it. Time to take action and set and enforce limits on the kinds of behavior to which you’ll allow yourself to be subjected.