Reader’s Question

I’m a 19-year-old male from Australia. I am pretty sure I’m suffering from anxiety. I even think I know the cause. Whenever I am unsure about something in my relationship with my girlfriend, I start to panic. I can’t help it. It isn’t a ‘conscious’ decision, it just happens. If the unsure feeling is not resolved (usually by hearing something reassuring from her), the anxiety continues. Often it results in my vomiting, and it’s really horrible.

My girlfriend has just gone on holiday, and it’s been a week since I’ve seen her. Because I haven’t heard from her for a while, I’m getting anxious again. I know logically there is no reason to be worried, but still I feel anxious and worry that she’s changed her mind about me.

My question is how can I overcome this? I’ve had these problems for about a year now.

Thanks in advance for your answer.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Anxiety symptoms can indeed be distressing and potentially quite embarrassing (like vomiting after becoming anxious). And even though anxious responses aren’t “consciously” planned, they can be consciously brought under control. That’s because most often there are certain kinds of insecure thoughts or self-talk that fuel anxiety reactions. Such talk can be something like “She hasn’t called me, so that must mean she doesn’t care like she used to” or “I don’t know how I can go on without her.”

Some personality types are also prone to anxiety attacks. Those who struggle with emotional “dependency” are quite vulnerable. That’s because they tend to find solace and relief from emotional pain and unrest in external sources, such as persons or circumstances they believe make them safe and secure. Such individuals haven’t yet acquired all the tools they need to know that they are safe and secure relying on their own internal resources. Emotional dependency and neediness comes with a high price tag, because it impairs a person’s ability to develop good self-esteem and can eventually be emotionally draining on others.

It’s probably a good idea for you to seek the advice and counsel of a good therapist who specializes in personality issues and anxiety management. Getting relief from your anxiety symptoms through the techniques your therapist might recommend is straightforward enough. But the bigger task is likely to be doing some self-examination and coming to terms with any unhealthy emotional neediness and lack of coping skill that might be fueling anxiety and impeding your development of a sound sense of security and self-confidence.