Reader’s Question

I am 30 years old, and my life is a complete mess. I am constantly anxious and worried that something bad will happen to me or my family, and I bitterly regret that I haven’t achieved anything. I sometimes feel depressed for weeks at a time, crying myself to sleep.

I procrastinate in every aspect of my life; I rarely complete any of my tasks I’m set at work, and those I do complete are late and of a poor quality. As a result, I’ve been given warnings about my performance and in the past I’ve lost jobs due to my lack of motivation and procrastination. This attitude extends to every aspect of my life — from paying bills to not being bothered to return overdue library books (despite escalating fines), bathing regularly or replying to phone calls. I tell myself that I will do this tomorrow and I cannot be bothered about it right now, but I never do it. I failed university course as I couldn’t be bothered to do the work I was assigned. I am stuck in a menial job, which makes me angry at myself.

When I need to make a decision I become overly anxious, worried that I’ll make the wrong decision. I find buying something as simple as a television set stressful because I cannot select from the various options.

I’ve recently started receiving psychotherapy, but I cannot decide what sort of talking treatment I should get, nor can I stick to a therapist. During sessions I am always thinking ‘is there a better psychologist out there that I’ve missed?’ Currently I am receiving treatment from four different psychologists using various talking therapies, but I cannot decide which one is the best or if I should seek someone new. None of them is aware of I am seeing others, and my money is quickly running out.

I’ve been like this for well over 15 years. When I was 11 till I turned 17, my mother suffered from bipolar disorder, and at home I my father would physically hit me if I got maths sums wrong, as he thought it would motivate me to learn. I am very close to my parents but feel a strong sense of anger towards them — but also immense shame and guilt that I cannot make them proud or happy. I try to live my life in a way that pleases them at the expense of my own personal happiness, but deep down I know in their eyes I am a disappointment. They know I have this sense of guilt, and they’ve tried to help me, but it hasn’t worked.
What should I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It sounds like you are having quite a hard time! The first thing I advise would be to make an appointment with your physician. It would be a good move to rule out any organic reasons that are contributing to the issues that you describe — anxiety, inability to concentrate, irritability, lethargy, bouts of crying, depression, isolation, and a general sense of malaise. Be sure to let your physician know everything you described here, as well as anything that you may have left out. The medications available today for many of these symptoms are quite effective, and your physician will be able to point you in the right direction.

Also, since you express that you feel anger and guilt toward your parents around your upbringing and childhood, having a therapist whom you feel comfortable with is crucial. You describe seeing four separate therapists, none of which is aware of the others, as well as all being examples of different therapy “types”. I believe that for you, it’s not so much the “type” of talk therapy that you engage in, but rather the kind of rapport you experience with the therapist. I believe that the connection with the therapist is more important at times than theory or orientation. So, although you mention feeling indecisive about whom to stick with, you may want to go by your gut on this one, and stick with the one who feels the best. With a dual pronged approach — medications and counseling — and diligent commitment to your treatment, you ought to be able to enjoy some improvement for yourself in your life. Best of luck to you!