Reader’s Question

I am a young stay at home mom, and my husband works at a very high pressure job. As we have a young baby, there are times when we both are tired and stressed out and so we do have fights, which I suppose is normal. We get over them fairly quickly.

However, when my husband is driving or if we go out, he tends to get really upset very easily with complete strangers who either drive a little too fast and carelessly or who talk a little rudely to us. He gets so upset that he almost makes a scene. If we are driving, he honks repeatedly, flashes his lights and drives faster — I almost feel like it is road rage.

If it is someone who talks to us rudely, he becomes so aggressive it really frightens me that it might turn into a physical fight. He talks loudly and goads the other person into fighting back. Strangely, we have never come across a person who just walks away from him. It frightens me, especially when my son is around, because my interference only seems to make things worse; I am so worried that I will see my husband get into serious trouble and will be utterly helpless.

He thinks I am overreacting, and perhaps I am. I come from a family of very quiet, almost cowardly people who tend to overlook these things, and so it might shock me, but I can’t help but wonder if this is normal. He does feel remorse later and he is good for a long time, but it happens again.

He deflects the issue on me if I raise it and suddenly I feel like I am being blamed for his anger. Could it be that issues he has with me are the cause for his anger towards total strangers? What can help us? I just want him to feel more peaceful and calm when faced with bad drivers or the invariably rude people in the world. If I am overreacting, I’d be happy to let it drop, but if it is a problem, how does one go about working it out if the person denies its being a problem?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It does sound like your husband may have a touch of road rage under his hood. Understandably, if you were raised in a more “hushed” environment, this behavior could become pretty nerve rattling. If you want to let him know that the behavior is a turn off, and that you would prefer he not press peddle to the metal in a high speed pursuit of someone that squeezed in front of him in the McDonald’s ‘drive thru’ you may want to tell him to take a breather before he flies off the handle. With something like this, a situation that is shrink-wrapped in total denial, I think I would suggest something like this: “Honey, you are such a great guy, it makes me feel bad for you when you get so angry at other drivers or events. I know that you told me you don’t think that there is a problem here, but I would like you to be a little mindful of the behavior over the next several days, and if you notice what I notice, maybe we could talk about it more later.” Now, this may take him over the edge and start a new tirade, but try to stay calm. Be sure to bring this up when you two area getting along well — it tends to make the message a bit more receivable.

You may want to set up an appointment at his physician for a physical; sometimes these things go hand in hand with higher blood pressure. Anger management counseling could also be of real benefit.