Reader’s Question

My boyfriend of five years has a child with an ex-girlfriend. She was actually pregnant when we started dating but I didn’t know it. I wasn’t even aware she existed or aware of her pregnancy until about four months into our relationship.

I broke off my relationship with him when I found out about the situation but decided to go back to him. That was probably my first mistake. He assured me that he and this other girl were never in love, only dated briefly, and that he was over her. He told me that he was going to be there for her and their child, though, and I respect that. My problem is that I found out that he’s been spending a lot of time with her during the past couple of years. He tells me that he’s going to work, and then I find out that he spent the entire day with her. I’ve found receipts for restaurants and movies in our room. He even has pictures of her on his digital camera.

My boyfriend tells me that he only “hangs out” with this other girl for their son’s sake. He left his email up once and I couldn’t help but be sneaky and look at it. He has been emailing her and asking her out to dinner, just the two of them. He told me that they would go out to “talk” about their child. I don’t want to take him away from his son, but my gut is telling me that I that there is more going on. How do I know that he’s not seeing her for her and not only his son? He’s always telling me how much he loves me, but his actions prove otherwise. Am I overreacting, or should I let them spend time together for the sake of their child?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You say that it’s your “gut” telling you that you have reason to mistrust your boyfriend. Yet, you list a litany of behaviors which testify to his dishonesty. The evidence is staring you quite glaringly in the face. The real question is why you won’t accept it.

You broke this relationship off once, and apparently for the right reasons. Then you went back to this guy. You admit now that this was probably a mistake. Now you are privy to mounds of evidence that suggest, at the very least, that he has not been truthful with you. And on top of that, you’re faced with having invested time and energy (for 5 years now) in a relationship from which you are now hesitant to walk away. Don’t make yet another mistake. Get real with yourself with what you want and expect from a relationship. Then, stop your internal debate and take some action.