Reader’s Question

I was in a relationship with a bipolar girl for two years. She was on lithium and told me that it made her almost normal except that she was still more sensitive than the average person and easily overreacted to things.

I have since realized that I’m pretty neurotic. As such, I wanted to do the right thing and wanted to understand and love her despite her illness. I also see now that that made me an easy target.

Two years after being in this relationship, I was an emotional wreck. I felt like a was losing my mind, had no energy, and had lost my self-esteem. I slowly began to realize that she was always manipulating me. Then, when I tried to break up with her, all hell broke loose. She tried every trick in the book: crying, pleading, guilt-tripping, threatening. When she realized these things weren’t working, her eyes just turned black, and she attacked my physically. Afterwards she cried and told me she was sorry but that she was just so upset about my leaving her. I ended up consoling her. She asked me to please give her a second chance, and I can’t believe I agreed to it, but I did.

Of course things didn’t work out, and I tried to break up with her again — same story all over again. It ended with another physical attack. But this time I just played along. I stayed for a few days while talking to friends and family, then moved out while she was at work.

She kept on calling me until I firmly told her never to contact me again, in any way. One of the last things she told me was that she had never treated anyone as badly as me, but that it was my own fault, because I was such a weak person.

It has now been 3 months, I’m in therapy, and she has moved on to her next victim. She recently tried to contact me again, asking a friend if I would agree to just talk to her, but I said no.

This girl fits the profile of the covert-aggressive personality described in your book In Sheep’s Clothing perfectly. She used ALL the manipulation tactics you talk about on me. My question is: could it be that her bipolar disorder made her act this way? The city we live in is not that big, and we hang out in many of the same places, so I’m sure I’ll eventually bump into her. I’m not sure how I should act. I’m afraid that if we engage, she will try to hurt me emotionally as much as she can.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When psychologists, psychiatrists, and other qualified mental health professionals diagnose a person’s condition, they often use what’s called a “multi-axial” format that helps them determine not only what clinical syndromes (e.g., Bipolar Disorder) might be present, but also what levels of stress the person might be laboring under, what their basic personality characteristics are, and how healthy they are overall. Clinical symptoms rarely exist in a vacuum. Also, some clinical syndromes are more common in individuals with certain personality characteristics. So, it’s quite possible that someone who has a disturbance of mood like Bipolar Disorder can also have a significant personality disturbance, even one that includes covert-aggressive characteristics.

The task for victims of covert-aggression is simple — but not always easy. It involves recognizing the tactics for what they are and not allowing yourself to be swayed by them. As you explore your own personality makeup in therapy, you will hopefully gain some insight into why you have been vulnerable to such tactics in the past and how to empower yourself to avoid victimization in the future.