Reader’s Question

I’m a 22-year-old male. I have been dating my girlfriend for over a year. I am very happy and completely in love with her. However, I have a problem where I still talk to other girls online. Sometimes, it’s just innocent flirting. But sometimes it’s inappropriate. I would never actually act upon some of the things I talk about. So why do I do this? Is it just for attention? I love my girlfriend, and it has caused a lot of issues in our relationship. How do I stop?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You might love your girlfriend, but you also might not be ready for a single, committed relationship. There are many reasons men flirt and engage in sexual banter. Sometimes it’s for attention. Sometimes it’s to bolster one’s sense of sexual prowess. Sometimes, it’s purely for the excitement and stimulation. Sometimes it’s a symptom of hypersexuality (but for a young man of 22, strong sexual urges are quite normal). But in any case, trying to nurture a deep and meaningful relationship is incompatible with this kind of behavior. And even though you might be convinced you will not act on some of the sexual banter you engage in, you are certainly tempting fate by creating opportunities and placing yourself in situations where crossing the line would be all too easy.

You have a big decision to make. And you might not be at a point in your life where you’re really ready to make it. It’s wonderful that you love your girlfriend and that she makes you happy. Now you must decide whether you value your relationship with her enough to make some sacrifices. And remember, a sacrifice made with sadness and regret can breed a significant amount of resentment. So, if you choose your relationship with your girlfriend, do so freely, and don’t look back.