Reader’s Question

My first love and boyfriend broke up with me after two years because he had fallen out of love with me. We tried being just friends, but it didn’t work as he would insist on telling me about his sex life with his new love. When I told him I couldn’t handle this, he pushed me away with his cruel words, just like he does with all his ex-girlfriends. It’s his way of dealing with the heartache, and one could probably argue that it is ultimately for my own good so I can get over him more easily.

About six months later I found my new boyfriend, and we have been together for over six months now. He has shown a kind of love that my first was never even capable of. Yet for some reason I am quite mean to him. I become easily irritated and pick on him about things that I normally wouldn’t complain about. I am nice to everyone else except him. Although I can be nice to him, I struggle to do so. Sometimes I don’t even feel like being affectionate toward him because of this. Yet, he is so nice, and he tries to do anything to avoid my getting upset.

I have questioned myself a number of times why I act like this towards this man who cares. I have come up with so many theories and ideas that my head begins to hurt. Here are some of them:

• Perhaps I feel this need to point out all the negatives to protect myself from getting hurt again — like I am pushing him away before he can push me away so I can’t be rejected again.
• Perhaps I am still not over my first love since I still feel angry and hurt when I think about him (which is a fair bit, unfortunately).
• Perhaps I just don’t love my new boyfriend the way he loves me.
• Perhaps I’m treating him like my ex boyfriend treated me to get some kind of sick and twisted revenge.
• Perhaps he’s just too nice, and that makes me power hungry.
• Perhaps I am angry, unhappy and stressed and take it out on him?

I don’t want to continue like this or to lose him. I also don’t want to constantly rationalize my negative thoughts and behavior. I just want to love him and show him love the way he loves me. I know this is lengthy, complicated and quite a complex scenario, but any input would be much appreciated.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You seem to be fairly steeped in traditional notions about why people behave the way they do and subscribe to the notion that what you see on the surface necessarily reflects something much different “underneath.” But as a non-traditionally-oriented therapist, let me suggest a few possibilities to provoke thought:

• Sometimes things are just as they appear. For example, some people say cruel things not because it’s the “way they handle” heartache but because it’s the way they are. Sometimes they don’t mind speaking of their sexual exploits to an old girlfriend because women don’t mean much to them other than being sexual objects.
• People are not the same. Some people are fairly “neurotic” and some are just the opposite. Some people have underlying unconscious motives for self-destructive behaviors they don’t understand, and some do not. I have written about this extensively in my blog posts, and in my first book In Sheep's Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK] as well as my upcoming book on character disturbance. You sound a bit neurotic. Your ex-boyfriend does not.
• Sometimes neurotic individuals naturally gravitate toward those who are not. At a conscious level, they mis-frame the other person’s heartless behavior as a compensation for something else, while at an unconscious level they tend to regard the other person’s lack of sensitivity as a mark of strength. They then delude themselves into the notion that they’ll be better cared for and protected by the kind of jerks who will only use them and throw them away.

So, my best bet: Your own insecurities and neuroses are clouding your judgement. The fix: Don’t presume to understand the emotional issues of others. Not everyone is neurotic. Sometimes, people are simply not nice and you’re better off without them. And, if your own neurosis makes it so you’re always making excuses for the bad guys and can’t be happy with those who would treat you well, it would be best to march yourself into therapy and get to the bottom of the reasons why.