Not Completely Honest About My Past, Husband Now Asking Painful Questions
Reader’s Question
I have been married for over a year to a man I’ve been with almost three years. I love him so much. He has shown me what it means to truly love another person. Most of my past relationships have been bad. I was married once before to an abusive man. I was honest with my husband about that prior relationship. However, I did lie to him about another past relationship that I had with my former boss. I was embarrassed and ashamed of the relationship, and I just didn’t want him to know. Looking back now, I wish I could take back the lies and just admit that I didn’t want to talk about my past.
My husband has learned about the relationship, and he is now asking me all kinds of questions about it. I just don’t want to talk about the details of the relationship because it is painful for me. I have had no contact with my former boss since I left my place of employment before I got married. I don’t know what to do. I want to move on from this, but I don’t know how. Should I tell him all the details that he is asking? Should we seek marriage counseling? I just want my husband to trust me again (which I know will take time). I love him and want us to be happy together.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Your husband’s behavior could be motivated by an unhealthy desire to know unnecessary details of your past involvement or it could represent a sort of obsessive reaction to the loss of trust issues with which you are presently struggling. In any case, it’s important to communicate as openly, directly, and honestly as possible to nurture your relationship back to health. That does not mean you have to provide every gory detail about your past, but it does mean that you have to be open enough that no potential trust-betraying surprises about your past pop up in the future.
Let your husband know who you are and what you’ve been through, but retain your right to put a ceiling on the amount of painful disclosure you’re willing to make, as well as a reasonable limit on details that serve no useful, constructive purpose. Whether or not you use the services of a counselor to facilitate this is your call. The important thing is to re-establish the level of trust and confidence you need to make this the kind of relationship you really want.
