Reader’s Question

I am 24, and met a 21-year-old girl just over a year ago. I have come to really love her, and she really likes me. Here’s the problem: my girlfriend has never felt any true romantic feelings for anyone in her life. It’s as if she’s just missing that part of her emotional chemistry. We’ve come to the point in our relationship where she feels closer to me than she has to anyone else in her life, and it shows. She likes to cuddle and do playful things with me, and she’ll tell me anything, even if it’s really embarrassing, and even though she’s had trouble doing these things in the past. I’ve been able to open her up in a way that so far no one else has been able to. She feels comforted around me. I feel like I can eventually open her up to genuine love, but so far she lacks those kinds of feelings. I don’t want to give up on her. What should I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are many possible reasons for the situation you describe. Painful incidents in the past might have led to some emotional “numbing.” Your girlfriend might like you a lot, but the chemistry of “passion” might simply not be there. There are many other possibilities, too numerous to detail.

If you really love this girl, you’ll take your time and nurture the relationship, going wherever it takes you without precondition or advance expectations. And if it does not lead where you want it to lead, you’ll bear no regret or ill-will. Of course, seeing a counselor can potentially be quite valuable, but that’s a decision for you both to make.

So, don’t give up, but give in to the reality that feelings in relationships simply cannot be forced. Appreciate what you have now and enjoy each other as you strive to move your relationship forward.