Reader’s Question

Over the course of eight months, we have gradually learned that our 25-year-old daughter was molested by a 14- or 15-year-old cousin when she was 9 years old. The information we have has been slow coming out. She has now told us some of the details, like where she was when she was molested (it happened two times), but she has stopped short of telling us exactly what occurred. She has basically said she is uncomfortable telling us those details. When she began to pull back, we didn’t push her. We think we should confront this cousin, but we want the details from our daughter before doing so — so he can’t minimize anything or weasel out of it, so to speak. Our question is this: since she has spilled out most of the details, if we are patient, is it likely that she will tell us more? And, are our instincts correct that we should wait before confronting the cousin until we have all the information from our daughter?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s not uncommon for victims of child sexual abuse of any kind to experience significant anxiety and discomfort about disclosure. Abuse itself is a boundary violation, and disclosure can seem to the victim like violation all over again. You are right to want to show support and encourage your daughter to take things at her own pace.

Every community and country has different laws and procedures with respect to dealing with the perpetrators of abuse and affording support to victims. Locales also vary with respect to statutes of limitation and the kinds of facts or details that must be known to constitute a reasonable suspicion that abuse indeed occurred. You should do some checking on this by consulting a professional credentialed in dealing with such issues. Above all, however, you will want to be supportive of your daughter and her need to feel safe and in control of her boundaries.