Reader’s Question

I have not been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but I keep reading where people with OCD worry about things that are trivial or not real, and that certainly applies to me.

My obsessions stem from my relationship. I obsess over the compliments my boyfriend gives me. I am obsessed with being the “most beautiful, sexy, cute, fun,” etc. to him. I know I’m not the most beautiful woman in the world or even on my street — I actually HATE the way I look and feel very UGLY! But for example, he will tell me that he has the best sex with me that he’s ever had in is life or he tells me that I’m the “most beautiful girl…[he]…ever met” and I want to believe him! However, instead of receiving the compliment, I always feel like I have to make sure he’s telling me the truth by asking questions to get him to say the same things in different ways to be sure he really meant it.

He will challenge me by asking: “Doesn’t it mean more when I say it without your having to prompt me?” And he’s right, it should. But it’s like an itch. If I don’t hear the things I long to hear, I keep getting more and more anxious. The other day he said “I love you because you are one of the kindest, most beautiful people I have ever met,” and I had a complete internal tsunami! Was I only “ONE OF” the most beautiful or the most beautiful?

I’m always picking his compliments apart, worrying that he is settling for me or that he is wishing he was with someone else. If I keep on acting like this he might just wish he was with someone else who is at least more sane!

I can’t stop thinking about these things. What can I do to just love myself and trust him? I’m in so much pain, which is silly when I have someone who loves me like he does.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The question here does not seem to be whether you have true OCD or some unusual form of it. The bigger issue appears to be what underlies your anxiety and obsessiveness about your appearance and worth. Moreover, it’s of much more concern from a psychological standpoint that you seek so much validation from external sources.

You also rightly suspect that in the end, the burden you place on others to validate you might even drive them away. Such self-fulfilling prophesies have indeed happened before.

The pain you are in is a signal that something is very wrong. Pay attention to it. Human beings were not meant to be so dependent on external sources of validation. It’s disastrous for our sense of self-esteem. You ask what you can do. How about making a firm commitment to some therapy and getting to the roots of your dysfunctional self-image? For awhile, even that process might be a little painful, but it should be worth your while in the long-run.