Reader’s Question

When a married couple recalls details of a specific and particularly escalated argument, how can they recall it almost completely opposite from one another? Is it possible that one is actually skewing the reality of the details of the argument so they believe they were the one who was the victim of the argument? If this is possible, is there a term used for it? Is it treatable? Is there a test of some sort that can determine which one is doing it? And for the one doing it, are they aware of it, or is it the reality to them in their mind? If it is reality to them in their mind, how do you treat that?

I understand there are cases when each member of a couple recalls an event differently from the other. And although one may believe something that is totally opposite from the other, the “truth” is usually found somewhere in between. But, I want to know what is it when it is not at all “in between”? I am convinced that I experience the truth of the argument and that my mate is seeing things upside down. Help! How do I let them know they are wrong?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You have presented us with one of the oldest dilemmas to face mankind. What is the nature of truth? Is the truth something that is objective, something that exists within a vacuum and stays pure regardless of what one believes? Or is the truth experienced subjectively, left up to interpretation, and altogether an unreliable “opinion” about what is what?

In your case, it sounds like maybe you both could be seeing things in such a way that the other party would be sure to label it as “incorrect” or at worst, “delusional”.

We often hear the phrase that every story has his side, her side, and then the truth. I am of the mindset that perhaps you are both attached to your personal points of view too much and are now unable to see the forest for the trees, as it were. Maybe it would serve both of you best to lay down some ground rules, or “terms of engagement” when it comes to your squabbles. If you could both agree that each of you has a valid opinion on a given matter, and that it is not necessary to be in agreement on everything, you may be able to take your arguing style to a new level, one where you can both have your “truths” and be respected by the other in the process. (If you are under the impression that your mate is suffering from delusions, that is another matter, and a few sessions with a qualified professional may be invaluable.) Maybe you might consider your mate’s perception and try your best to be a bit more empathic about his or her concerns. Again, communication is the key to understanding, and perhaps this perceived impaired perception issue will be the catalyst for you two finding better, more effective ways to communicate to each other.