Reader’s Question

I’m 41 years old and have been struggling for several years with an obsession about my girlfriend’s past sexual relationships. We’ve been together for over 6 years, and I would say it is an otherwise excellent relationship. She is good to me, I enjoy being with her, and we share similar values and viewpoints on important issues.

I’ve long held the belief that a woman sharing herself physically either had value or lacked value. That is, if a girl/woman was not very thoughtful about engaging physically with anyone, including myself, I deemed it as indicative of her not valuing herself. Thus, how could I value her or what she gave to me? Not surprisingly, I’ve felt this way about girlfriends going back 20+ years.

I have been with many more partners than my girlfriend. So it’s not the quantity of her past sexual behaviors that I obsess about. What I become more upset about is what I imagine her state of mind might have been during the encounters. If she was insecure or confused or coerced, I can almost understand and forgive or let go. But if she was simply cavalier and not thoughtful, then I deem her not of good character and it makes me wonder about the true character of our relationship.

I know my girlfriend considered many of her actions mistakes, yet I can’t quite seem to be OK with it. I’ve never once doubted her commitment to me and I’ve never once thought she would engage in such behaviors again. I think I’m finally realizing my issue is at least partly based in my own insecurities. I believe that since she made such poor choices for herself, I can’t possibly trust that she’s making a good choice with me — and if she didn’t value what she gave away then, how can I possibly value what she gives me now? I’m reminded of Groucho Marx, who said “I don’t care to be part of any club that would have me as a member!”

I rationally recognize the inconsistencies and hypocrisy in the beliefs I’m espousing here. I am in therapy and will continue to work on my self-esteem issues. But part of the complex seems to be this irrational belief system that a woman’s past dictates who she is in the present.

My question quite simply is, can this type of obsessing be helped? Can a person’s beliefs be changed?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s great that you’re in therapy and that you’re working on self-esteem issues. You might also have to do some work on boundaries and how you respect the private space of others. Your concern about whether the nature of your girlfriend’s past sexual behavior poses a risk to the potential depth and stability of your relationship is understandable, but your obsessive behavior cannot possibly do anything to help.

All relationships carry risks. Investing emotional time and energy in rumination does nothing to reduce that risk. Your therapist should be able to provide you with some tools to help you reduce your anxiety and break the obsessive cycle. This is most often accomplished by challenging the beliefs and ways of thinking that help fuel the cycle. But as you so rightly seem to know intuitively, there is likely to be a lot more going on with you than just concern over your girlfriend’s past sexual behavior. It would be best to attend to all the issues so that you at least have the chance of cultivating the kind of relationship you’ve always hoped for.