Reader’s Question

I’ve been seeing a girl for about two years now. At first, it was just a fun fling, and I told myself I would never get serious with her because of her past. But I’ve found myself getting more serious about her over the past year.

I went to high school with this girl and know all about many of her sexual encounters and the guys she’s been with. She has also been with two of my closest friends, and I know all about the various things they did. We used to joke around about how “easy” she was, and talk about the sexual encounters.

After dating this girl for several months I found that we hit it off better than anyone. I was happy and fell so much in love that her her past didn’t seem to bother me. But after a while I started thinking about her past and all the stories I knew about her. Now, it all bothers me to the point were my blood boils. It bothers me even more when we hang out with my close friends whom she has had sex with in the past. Sometimes I avoid hanging out with them just because I think about them hooking up in the past, and it makes me sick. I don’t think it’s healthy always to think about these things, but I do. And since she was very easy in the past, I question her trust sometimes. But we do get along very well, she treats me very well, and I am happy with her. But again I think about her past every day, and it bothers me a great deal.

Will I ever stop thinking about her sketchy past? Will I ever be able to hang out with my friends that she’s hooked up with and not think about them having sex years before? In the long run will this work?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

In the end, it’s clear that you’re going to have to be willing to let go of one of two things: your girlfriend or her sexual past. But you probably need first to examine just what’s going on with respect to your obsession about these things. Perhaps it has something to do with your own insecurity. Perhaps it’s more about some well-founded reservations and a tendency to over-idealize this woman whose company and personality you seem to really enjoy. Perhaps it’s also that your love is clouding your judgment. But it’s equally possible that your obsession with her past has not allowed you to fully appreciate her or the extent to which she might have matured.

You might benefit from visiting with a counselor about the various issues involved to be sure your eyes are wide open. But in the end, any relationship also requires a leap of faith. And if you choose her and she chooses you, the both of you will need to leave the past behind.