Reader’s Question

My son is 14 years old. He is stealing and lying. He started this behavior a few years ago, first with family only and later with outsiders, schoolmates, and now friends, too. He mainly steals money. I want to say that he is usually a good kid; he understands it is wrong and that there are consequences. He has been punished, grounded, etc. I got him help several times from psychologists, but I have the feeling it is not being taken too seriously. In fact he is still at the same point or even worse, since he now steals from just about anyone.

Let me tell you his background: his parents are divorced, and he lives with me (mother) and siblings. He is the youngest of four. We moved to another country for three years and are now back to where he grew up. My son is quite overweight; food is very important to him. I understood he needs the money to feel strong and to buy (extra) food, usually junk food. I tried everything I could think of, to no avail: talking, grounding, yelling, explaining, threatening. He acknowledges the problem but, I am afraid, he cannot control himself when the chance presents itself.

What can I do that is strong enough but without giving the impression I am giving up — and still conveying to him that I love him no matter what?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your situation is one that requires a swift and unwavering response. Your child is 14, and soon he will be an adult. He is stealing money to support his junk food habit. He is also “quite overweight” and “needs the money to feel strong and to buy extra food, usually junk food”. This has already been going on too long. You mention that he has been doing these negative destructive things for a few years now.

There are a few things here that concern me. He is a kid, and obviously he has never experienced a consequence which has been unpleasant enough to alter his behavior. The things that you have tried have not worked. Time to step it up. When you discover that he comes home with a cache of cookies, cup cakes, chips and other ambassadors of junk food planet, you can safely assume that he has not gotten the money for these items by mowing Mrs. Mayberry’s lawn. You didn’t mention whether he lies when confronted, or how you learned of his thieving ways, but I am going to guess there were probably quite a few tall tales told to explain the Twinkies in his pockets.

You punish him for the lying, the stealing, and the detour from a healthy diet. You begin by taking things away from him that matter, like dessert! He is to get his privileges revoked systematically until he is able to learn a little trick that may ultimately keep him from ending up living his life in prison. He will have no television privileges, no iPod, no computer, no access to the refrigerator. Your son is heading down a very frightening path that, if left uncorrected, could result in a life time of imprisonment. And if he does not learn that his “freedom” will be taken away as a result of this awful behavior from you, he may just end up learning this from the judicial system when he is in his 20s. You see where I am going with this.

So Mom, get tough! If you love your boy, and I believe you do, teach him to take responsibility and learn to exercise self-discipline in this addiction to nutrition-less food. I am sure that you can see how easily this scenario can flare up from a need to support a habit of cookies to a worse need of having to support a habit of hard drugs. These things escalate unless they are derailed. Mom, love your son by showing him his actions are totally unacceptable, and remove his freedoms one by one. Make the punishment wildly uncomfortable.

I have the impression this boy spends endless time in front of the TV or computer playing video games. Tell him to mow YOUR lawn, it will give him much needed exercise…and THAT will make him “feel strong” for real. It’s OK to love your son unconditionally, but it is not OK to let him slide down a path that can result in a life of run-ins with the law, and unhappiness.