Reader’s Question

Thank you so much for your website, which has been a huge help.

I’m desperate and in need of guidance. I am 23 years old and grew up in a broken home. As a child I was physically and emotionally abused on a regular basis by my father. I suspect that I may have been sexually abused by my grandmother. In high school and in college, drugs, sex, alcohol, and obsessing over sports and hobbies were my escape.

When I left home to go to college, I developed a relationship with my father for the first time, and I became almost oblivious to his constant guilt-trips and emotional abuse. It was the combination of a lot of my friends getting fed up with me and my dad’s increasingly abusive behavior once he was diagnosed with cancer that woke me up. Until a few months ago I was lacking in self-awareness and in total denial about my abusive childhood.

About a year ago, two of my friends tried to talk to me while I was very high, and all my anger, hatred, and distrust came out at them. The day after, I had no memory of it and acted as if nothing happened.

Over the summer, I confronted both my parents about my past, and they reacted with denial. My father even tried to attack me, at which point I completely lost respect for him. At the time I told him all I wanted was an apology. I haven’t talked to him much since and have made it openly known to my family that I do not want anything to do with him.

I have now graduated college, but I suffer from what I believe to be depression and anxiety whenever I am in a room with people I feel are evaluating me. I find myself questioning all relationships, even those of my closest friends. I think everyone is judging me and is trying indirectly to tell me something. I know I am getting confused by my own paranoia, although I know that I have come a long way from where I was a year ago. I regularly have dreams where I am angrily verbally abusing my brother. My biggest fear is to turn out like my dad, and every time I notice I do something that reminds me of him I beat myself up for it.

I am planning to move out to my own apartment and seek therapy with a psychologist, but my mom is constantly trying to get me not to leave home. I know that she is afraid of being alone and always feel like she is withholding stuff from me to try to keep me there. I’m afraid that if I leave, my dad will continue to abuse my mom and my older brother, who lives at home. My dad is 70 now and not in very good health. I’m afraid that if he dies that will complicate things further. I know I need to get help for myself, but I feel extremely guilty about not being able to do anything to help my mom and my brother. I guess I just need to know that I’m doing the right thing by leaving.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The most important thing is to work with a professional to deal with what you know are your issues. It’s normal for everyone to have their own (albeit sometimes distorted) view of reality. Abuse and conflict can cloud judgment even further, especially during the formative years. When you are on an airplane, the cabin attendants make a point to remind you that you must put your own oxygen mask on first in order to see your way clear to aid others. Get your therapy. Heal. Confront your own demons and distorted perceptions. Then, the way might become clearer to help others you love.