Reader’s Question

I’m 22, and I was in a relationship for a year. The relationship had become very serious, and marriage was even discussed. But after a year, and all of a sudden, my feelings changed for him. Maybe we got too close too quickly or maybe I was only infatuated at the beginning. I’m still not sure what was the reason.

It was very hard for me to end the relationship, but I’m the one who asked him to separate for good. I could not understand how the relationship went from so high to so low. Still, I couldn’t deal with the loss, and we remained in contact for another 8 months, during which time I found myself becoming even more frightened and unhappy. I realized that during the relationship I changed greatly. I became exclusive with him and secluded from others. Before I had no problems making new friendships. Now, I’m scared of people and afraid I’ll never have courage to go out with someone again. I’ve also had some anxiety issues about my sexual orientation, because as I look around, I find no man attractive or nice. I don’t want this to affect my friendships with girls as a result of my getting anxious if I might fancy them. I’m also scared I may have too high demands for men.

Is the turmoil I’m experiencing simply normal after a break-up? Can I expect to heal, and what can I do to speed the process?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Several of the things you point to (early over-valuation followed by disillusionment, a change in your usual social interaction patterns, instability of mood and emotions, and concerns about your sexual identity) are much more suggestive that you were struggling with deep internal ambivalences long before your breakup. Perhaps those ambivalences were at the root of your conflicted feelings during the breakup.

It would be a good idea to visit with a counselor or therapist who specializes in helping those with a fairly uncertain sense of self. And you can expect some of the same ambivalences to surface during that process and to possibly jeopardize the therapeutic process. But the rewards are generally great for those willing to make the commitment and see the process through.