Reader’s Question

I am a 22-year-old Caucasian male, and my girlfriend is 19 and of Indian descent. Although we’ve been together five and a half years, she cheated on me last year with a close friend of her family, and I am torn.

My girlfriend has been very unstable mentally the last two years because her past has been haunting her. She was raped on several occasions by two second uncles in India and became so distraught that she has taken anti-psychotics and antidepressants at times. During a trip to India last year, she encountered one of her abusers and really became shaken up. She then turned to a friend of the family for comfort, and they ended up having sex, once in India and then again back home. She told me about it a few months later because it was killing her knowing what she had done.

I am still with my girlfriend because I love her immensely and want to stay with her for eternity. It has been 2 months since she told me, and I still feel hurt. I can kind of understand why it happened — because she was mentally messed up. I was just wondering if, from a psychological point, what happened is understandable or could be a problem for our relationship.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Victims of sexual abuse often suffer many emotional conflicts as a result of the trauma. One of the most insidious effects, depending on the nature of the abuse, can be a complete distortion in the mind of the victim about the nature and role of sex within a relationship.

So, to answer your question directly, your girlfriend’s behavior is understandable. But because there can be so many other issues that need addressing and because of the potential problems that could adversely affect your relationship, it’s important that she get the counseling she needs and work through the necessary issues before you seriously consider carrying your relationship to another level.