Reader’s Question

I’m a 25-year-old male originally from India but born and raised in Dubai.

I’ve always been kind of an introvert. I had a conservative Muslim upbringing and went to an all boys school and generally was and am very quiet and keep to myself. I’ve never felt comfortable socially.

About 4 years ago, a friend of mine introduced me to brothels, and since then I’ve become hooked. I’ve spent around $17,000 so far, and I want to stop but I don’t know how. I think I do this because I have such a need for human connection. But I don’t go out and generally hole myself up when I get home and don’t really mind being alone. Still, I know somewhere deep down inside I want be more open and to be more engaged with others. I’m OK with one on one meetings with friends but find it really hard to fit in with a larger group. I’m very sensitive and can get pretty upset over petty matters, while the bigger problems I can brush aside.

My question is: How do I go about making real human connections and stop visiting the brothels just to feel connected?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Q: The sensitivity you describe, the ability to connect one-on-one but experience of difficulty engaging with larger groups, etc. are common complaints of individuals who tend to be fairly introverted and/or socially anxious. But now you’ve found a situation that for all its drawbacks is powerfully reinforcing. So, you’re not likely to give it up easily until you can find other social encounters at least as rewarding. And if you’re truly an introvert, you’ll likely retain those tendencies your whole life. However, you can learn how to attain a better balance between being socially isolated and engaging with others.

Overcoming social anxiety and re-balancing your social interaction patterns will take a commitment on your part as well as some work. Working with a properly trained counselor is probably a good idea. And take heart: over time, you can make some meaningful changes and experience more joy in your social life. But repeating old patterns will only reinforce them and make it harder to change. So, do your best to avoid the old patterns as you work to acquire new skills.