Reader’s Question

My husband and I have 7-month-old twin babies. My parents love them dearly and visit them every week. I’m happy to have my parents so involved in their grandchildren’s lives. My concern is that my parents are still very demanding of me.

I had a very difficult pregnancy, and as a result I was hospitalized for 7 weeks due to complications. When I brought my babies home, I was physically and mentally exhausted, and needed to heal myself. My family didn’t understand my needs, and consequently they didn’t speak to me for weeks because I set boundaries with them. That situation has been resolved, but there are some lingering issues that I need to deal with. On top of my post-partum issues, my twins had colic. My husband and I have gotten better at being parents to twins and have learned what sets off crying spells and how to avoid them. We have learned the hard way what can happen if one of the babies misses their afternoon nap or gets off schedule.

My mom always complains that I don’t visit her enough at their home. Last night, I accepted her invitation to Easter at her house with the caveat that if the boys couldn’t nap and started showing signs of being over-tired, we’d have to leave early. She was very disappointed and implied that it would be rude for us to leave before dinner. She’s really upset because we’ve only visited her house once since the boys were born. I tried to explain to her how challenging things are right now, and that our outings are going to have to be limited for awhile. She thinks I’m using this as an excuse to get out of visiting her. Now, I’m finding I’m having to weigh which would be worse, upsetting my mom or doing what’s best for my babies.

Is there a better way of dealing with this issue?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Dealing with twins can be a daunting challenge in itself. But you indicate that there are several other factors that have made your new parenthood particularly challenging.

From what you say, your parents have ample contact with your children, even if it’s not always on their turf. If that’s the case, let them know how much you appreciate their involvement in the lives of your children. And don’t feel badly about having to set some limits to protect your children’s and your own personal needs for regularity and structure. Simply let your parents know how much it means to you to have their support and to understand the need. Babies always change the equation. It’s not about you and it’s not about your parents. It’s about your children’s welfare. Show your gratitude for their involvement and support. But don’t feel bad about setting the necessary limits.